Pete's Story

I met Pete when I moved to Salt Lake City. We lived in the same ward, and he threw the best viewing parties to watch The Bachelor :) His story is light-hearted, humorous, honest, and hopeful, just like Pete! Enjoy.

I’m grateful that Kelly has given me the opportunity to share my story. Writing this out is helping me to reflect on my own experiences and growth. I hope that someone reading this can know that they aren’t alone, or at least help others better understand gay people and gay Mormons. 

I was born the fourth of nine children as a ninth generation Utah Mormon. I was raised in the town my Mormon pioneer ancestors settled in 1871. I was constantly surrounded and reminded of their pioneer legacy and their role in church history. Just thinking of my hometown reminds me of the United Order and how the principles they lived by affected the way I was raised to believe and treat others.

This photo is evidence I’m from a small town. Three of these men are my grandfathers and three others are uncles.

I didn’t realize I was gay until I was an adult (more on that later), but it has always been clear to me that I was different. How many kids in Orderville, Utah have been ten years old and listening to Mozart, Yanni, Enya, and other classical/folk musicians, researching their family history and teaching people in town how to do their own research, talking to their 80+ year old friends about their lives for hours, dreaming of going to graduate school, foregoing playing basketball to learn the piano and other musical instruments, and other unusual activities for a rural Mormon kid?

While I was a bit unusual, I was also a very typical Mormon kid as well. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I missed going to church growing up, I received my Faith in God, Duty to God, and Eagle Scout awards. I read my scriptures, did my home teaching, fasted, prayed multiple times a day, paid my tithing and fast offerings diligently, and was obedient to everything my parents asked me to do (I’m sure I messed up here and there. None of us are perfect. 😉). I was saving money to serve a mission and I was preparing to find a beautiful wife to take to the temple and to raise a large family. I was a peacemaker who loved everyone and wanted everyone to be happy. 

Then one day while a missionary in the Texas Houston South Mission I had a shocking revelation. I was gay. It came to me very suddenly and out of the blue. In that Instant I remembered all the guys I used to have crushes on during high school and college at SUU, looking at photos of bodybuilders and other attractive men, never having any desire to kiss or be with a woman while being able to easily connect with and maintain good relationships with them, but always being frustrated in my relationships with men. I knew that I couldn’t keep myself ignorant of this any longer. 

But could I really be gay? Gay people are perverts who chose to be that way. That’s what I was taught. I grew up being called a faggot and homo, and this was the worst thing I could think of being called. Not because they are insensitive slurs, but being gay was the worst thing I could imagine.

Although I couldn’t deny from that point onward that I was gay (I tried to convince myself I was asexual for a brief time later, but that didn’t last long), I also knew that I wasn’t ready to reveal this to anyone. I knew that I wasn’t doing anything against church teachings (although I was taught that just being gay was wrong) so I decided I would press forward and live the good Mormon boy life my parents wanted me to live.

I transferred to BYU after my mission and for a brief time I went out with a few girls. There was one amazing person that I got to be very close with and considered even proposing to even though we didn’t have a typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I will forever feel sorrow for the way I ended things with this person. However, I knew that 1. I could not come out to her or anyone until I came out to my parents even though they would be the hardest ones to come out to. 2. I knew I could never marry a woman and have her not be able to give her all of me and chance one day divorcing her and breaking a family apart. At that point I stopped asking girls on dates and put my time and energy into my school and work.

School and work did an amazing job keeping my mind off of my sexuality for several years (Although I could never stop myself from admiring all of the ridiculously attractive men at BYU). However, I knew that once I finished grad school I would need to at the very least come out to my parents. I mentally prepared myself for years to be ready to come out to them and possibly lose my entire family and even friends, just for being gay.

One night when I was visiting my family in Orderville between my grad school semesters, and my dad asked me jokingly while we were talking about dating if I even liked girls. I think it was my inner-too honest child telling me I couldn’t lie that said out loud ‘No. I don’t, Dad.’ He was shocked. I was shocked. But there was a huge sense of relief, even with the fear of what could happen next. I ended up telling my mom the next morning and then I went back to my life.

For a time my mom stopped asking me about the girls in my ward, and my dad even tried telling me I should find a nice lesbian Mormon girl who would understand my struggle. Eventually my mom decided I was just going through a phase and again tried to get me to go on dates with girls.

After I finished grad school I was able to keep my mind off my sexuality and I continued building friendships with people in my ward. I was still determined to be a celibate gay Mormon, even if the only people who knew were me and my parents.

As many Mormons can relate, it doesn’t take very long for your group of single friends to become married friends and eventually friends with children. After going through yet another group of friends getting married off I finally had to face my reality of being an eternal single man. I decided to ask myself if I would be ok being a forty year old gay man who had never at least gone on a date with a man to see how it would feel.

At long last I made the decision to download a few dating apps (I’ll let you use your imagination which ones they were. 😉) and at least try chatting with a few men. It didn’t take very long until a guy I thought was really cute told me I was attractive. This was something I had never experienced before. I’d had straight girls and maybe a few others tell me I was handsome, but I had never experienced anything like this before. For the first time I understood some of the motivation for my straight counterparts to pursue dating and marriage.

My church attendance had been gradually declining by this point. For years I had done everything I could to live the gospel, and go above and beyond. I had always tried to make sure I prayed everyday, read scriptures everyday, attend every church meeting and activity that I could, attend the temple, pay tithing and more fast offerings, do my home teaching every month, refrain from watching media that wouldn’t be in line with church standards, do family history work, and anything else I was taught I should do. However, my ‘gayness’ didn’t go away. I was still attracted to men, and I wanted to find a life companion. I finally knew that I wasn’t a disgusting pervert, but a man seeking to find someone who would add value and companionship to my life.

Closeted Elder Hoyt on the left, openly gay Pete on the right.

Dating men hasn’t been easy. Not only do gay people in Utah have to struggle with everything  straight people have to deal with, we also have to deal with lack of acceptance from friends and family. It’s no wonder that gay men do struggle with depression and suicidal tendencies. Even I have had family and friends block me on social media just because I use the word gay in some posts and some relationships have become strained or non-existent. This has been very painful for my younger, peacemaking self, but it’s helped me to recognize the people who I can always count on to be there for me.

Despite all the struggles I have learned more about myself and what and who I want in my life. I’m still the weird genealogy kid who will have you over to play games, watch a movie, eat too many goodies, and be a listening ear. Although I haven’t been to church in quite some time now, I still value and respect my upbringing and the people who have been part of it. I don’t know where I’ll be ten years from now, but I can only hope that we can all develop a better understanding and love for each other. I’m Pete Hoyt, and I’m a gay Mormon.