Brian's Story

While writing this, I thought of who I wanted my story to inspire. I wish I had a time machine to visit my younger self. I would let him know the road was going to be long and excruciating, but worth it in the end. Even though his family members would say the meanest phrases against gay people, he would eventually meet his support team that would then become his family. I am writing my story to inspire others, like younger Brian, who couldn't see that life could be as great as it is now and that the journey is worth taking.

When I was in Primary, I would sing the song, “I Hope They Call Me On a Mission,” but often changed the words to, “I hope they don’t call me on a mission.” I feel like I never wanted to go on a mission because deep down I knew I was gay and would never fit in. It wasn’t until I turned 21 that I decided that I would go on a mission. I was told that serving a mission would lead to endless blessings. I submitted my mission papers and received a call to the New York, Rochester Mission. Throughout my time serving, I viewed my mission as my interview with God to set up the rest of my life. How well will I do? How obedient will I be? Will I receive callings and positions in leadership? Because all of those things lead to more blessings… My mission was an incredible experience and beyond what I could have ever expected. But to my surprise was not a fix-all for me being gay. I would keep trying to live as close to the doctrine as I could by going to the temple and attending church. It all felt forced and as if I were marking off my checklist.

Growing up in the LDS church, I always knew I had a struggle and a mountain to climb when it came to my sexuality. I heard everything that was talked about in church magazines and conference talks about “same-sex attraction”. My older brother had come out gay when I was younger, and the way my family reacted and treated him lead him down a road of drug abuse and broken relationships. Toxic words and judgemental advice were given to him by my grandma. She told him that she would get him a one-way bus ticket to anywhere, as long as he never returned. My family has and had a tilted reality of always wanting to be perfect and not talk about the ugly or misfitting parts of life. I believe this stems from the LDS culture of wanting to be righteous. I couldn’t stand how he was treated, but also couldn’t face that for myself and would bury my feelings even deeper. My family began to stereotype that if people were gay, they would live the same lifestyle that my brother had chosen.

Since I was three years old, I aspired to be a dolphin trainer. I moved to San Diego to work at SeaWorld for the summer of 2015. This was a taste of the real world after my mission. I saw more of a liberal way of thinking and acceptance towards others who were LGBTQ+. My career-chasing dream became a reality when I was offered a full-time trainer position for the Navy Marine Mammal Program.

On April 21, 2017, I was diving for my job in the ocean. The water was cold and the visibility was poor. As my dive partner and I began our swim to the bottom, she kicked my goggles off, and my regulator out of my mouth. When I put my goggles on, they were full of water, and I lifted my mask to clear it. The cold water hit my face as my mask flew off my face, taking my breath away. I began thinking of everything that had been going on lately in life - the pressure I was feeling from everyone in California to just be myself, and the pressure from my family to be straight and live the ideal LDS life. All of these things compounded my emotions and I began to panic. I hadn’t quite yet made it to the ocean floor and the current was stronger than normal. My breathing was quick and no air was escaping from my mouth. I was only breathing in and filling my lungs with more air. I now was in an infinite spiral of panic and anxiety. With the visibility of the water being almost zero, I knew if I stayed under the water I would pass out and not be found. If I kicked to the surface my lungs could explode, or I could’ve suffered from the bends (decompression sickness). I did the unthinkable and began to kick to the surface, while praying the entire way up. The fear of my life flashed before me. The panic was real. Could this be the way that I go out of this world: full of fear, panic, and regret?

When I reached the surface, I knew I was in trouble. The moment my head came out of the water, all of the air I kept breathing in had finally escaped. I was immediately rushed to the hospital to be checked out to see what damage had been done to my body. As I was rushed into the emergency room, I recognized the nurse assisting me. He was from Tinder, and we had previously matched and talked before. Our eyes met as he had the same realization too. The results from all of the tests showed that not even one vessel in my body had burst. I laid in that hospital bed in disbelief. Was this the moment in life that I finally had an epiphany? Was it worth dying on the bottom of the ocean? Was it worth living a life that I wasn’t my true genuine self? I had to be me from then on.

Growing up in the church, we are taught about tender mercies. The moments in our lives when God gives us little pieces of grace to show that he exists and that we are exactly where we need to be. This was said in one of my favorite talks by Elder Bednar. To me, this was one of the biggest tender mercies in my life. I was alive in a hospital after a dive accident, and my nurse just happened to be a guy that I had talked to previously on Tinder.

Dating for me became so easy once I was able to come to terms with who I was. I immediately downloaded Tinder again. The nurse and I rematched and went on two dates. (Dating Tip: this part of your life is going to be very exciting! DO NOT JUMP IN AND SCARE OFF THE FIRST PERSON YOU DATE)! I was finally excited to go on dates with someone I could potentially see a future with. It was such a change to have someone else offer to buy your dinner and open your car door. I finally felt mutually cared for by the person I was going on dates with. I began planning out all of our future dates and trips to theme parks after only our first date. I think that all of my excitement so early in dating scared him off, and he ghosted me after this.

When I came out to friends, I came out to those I knew would accept me. I knew the path for how my family would react. I had already seen how they treated my brother when he had come out. I needed to ensure that I had a secure foundation in my support group.

When I started telling my mission friends, I was so concerned they would abandon me for straying from who I was, and what we taught on our missions. Instead I was greeted with the pure love of Christ. They accepted me for who I was. I knew the side jokes and comments that came from aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents would follow after hearing that I had come out. I couldn’t be vulnerable with them yet. All of this was still new and exciting. I had finally felt peace and happiness, and I was not going to let anyone ruin that.

At the end of 2018, I accepted a new job with a major airline. I would be leaving San Diego to attend training to become a flight attendant. Before heading to Atlanta I gathered all of my belongings and took them to Utah. While I was home, I wanted to see what dating in Utah was like. On my first day back, I saw a profile of a cute guy named Nick. Going through his bio I saw he attended the University of Rochester in New York. I served at this campus on my mission. (Back to those tender mercies I talked about.) From our very first hello I saw how kind, passionate, and thoughtful he was. I had to leave for Atlanta the very next day and we would not have the time to meet in person before I left. While I was gone, we talked every day. We would finally go on our first date two months later when I was back in Utah.

Being back in Utah brought all of the emotions with the LDS church. I was back where I grew up, where I dated, and where I had so many memories of wanting to live a straight, heteronormative life. Leaders of the LDS church kept making comments and giving talks about how they still didn’t approve of LGBTQ+ individuals. Words from a few years back still echoed and stained the inside of my mind. Leaders of the LDS faith called anyone who actively came out as gay an apostate. It still pains me to ever think of myself as an apostate. I loved what I had come to know of our Savior and God. My testimony of them was unwavering, but I also saw how much happiness I had in my life since I nearly drowned in the ocean. I had to make a hard decision. I now was confused and torn because I know the teachings of Christ, and they are engulfed in love. Could I still be in the church and be happy? The answer for me would be made more clear as more articles would come out by the church. You can’t just say something and then years later just act like it didn’t happen. These words truly affected me, and I questioned if I truly will ever belong in the LDS faith. I weighed this thought continually in my mind. On the exact same day that I nearly drowned in the ocean, just four years prior, I submitted that my name be removed from the records of the church.

I finally had mustered up the courage to live my life true to my core beliefs. Coming out to my family was in some way a shock. My dad and I never had the strongest relationship, but for some reason when I was living my authentic life we were able to bond and live civilly. His kindest words were, he supported me as long as I was happy. I was relieved to see how much love I was surrounded with. I had always feared the worst out of people. For some of my closest friends I grew up with, I cut them out of my life before ever giving them a fair chance to react to me. Deep rooted in me were the echoes of all of the negative words other family members had said. My grandpa had treated me no different from before I came out. My grandma, on the other hand, has not been so kind, and it has pained me hearing the words she has said about me and to me. Just as I did with the LDS faith, I had to set boundaries and keep being honest to myself. One thing that I have learned throughout the years is that my own mental health is sometimes more important than relationships if they are the cause of my demise.

Nick and I were living in our first house together and were living our truest and most happy life. We decided to get our dream dog that is as perfect as we could have ever imagined. We were now at the time in our relationship that I wanted to propose to him. I am not one for a small occasion. I wanted to make sure it had the best meaning. We began talking about building a new house for our future and being able to grow into it. I wanted to do our house floor plan outline in candles just like the TV show, Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve found my other half; he is opposite of me in many ways, but compliments me in areas where I falter. I am excited to see where this life filled with love leads us.

Never lose sight of those who are cheering for you the loudest. My support team are some of the most genuine people you would ever meet. Surround yourself with people who are willing to build you up and not tear you down. Look at who supports you and remember they are who matters. We can’t always choose our family, but we can choose who we surround ourselves with. True friends see your worth and what brings joy to your life. You have to truly commit and live a life full of happiness. My heroine, Taylor Swift, once said, “If something’s been toxic, and it’s only ever really been that. What are you going to do? You move on!”

Many people will hurt you along the way. But even more will be a light of hope and support for you in your life. If you can learn from my story, learn that the actions of people will speak loud and clear. God would never want his children to be hated for such a simple act as loving someone else. I am who I am today because of the support team I have, therapy, music from Taylor Swift, and my fiancé, Nick. Just like the saying that was above most of our doors growing up as we left the house, “Remember who you are and what you stand for!” This time stand for love and stand up for YOU!