Spencer's Story

Spencer reached out to me after coming across this blog and expressed a willingness to share his own story. He shares his story in the form of a letter he sent to his grandma when he came out to her not long ago. The faith, love, thoughtfulness, and kindness shown in this letter is undeniable. I'm so excited to share it. Spencer mentioned if his story helped even a handful of people he would be happy. I know it will help many more than that. Enjoy.

Dear Grandma, I’m gay
(Updated 12/27/21)


Dear Grandma,

I guess the first thing I’d like to say is I love you. You are my mother once removed. I’m so grateful for the time we’ve been able to spend together, especially while I was at BYU.

The next thing I’d like to say is that I’m gay. To be clear, I am homosexual, I have romantic feelings for men and am attracted to men and not women. All my life this has been a significant part of who I am, but I’ve kept it carefully hidden. It – or at least my resistance to it – has caused me immense grief and pain. I’ve tried hard to be heterosexual. I’d like to tell you a little about it.

When I was 10 or 11, I became aware of my attraction to other guys. They were my classmates and friends. I never let anyone know. As I got older I was ashamed that I didn’t like girls.

In high school, I could not make myself date heterosexually. It felt so strange and unnatural. I couldn’t fathom what it would be like for me to get married to a woman nor how I could meet others’ heterosexual expectations.

On my mission I had good and appropriate relationships with my companions, but my feelings intensified. All of this happened while pleading to God to make me straight and dedicating my whole life to Him. As many gay missionaries are known to be, I was a very dedicated missionary, in part because I was desperately hoping that He would take away these difficult and unwanted feelings from me.

Since returning from my mission my feelings for men have become stronger and stronger, and through various experiences it is unmistakably clear to me that I am gay. I do not have romantic feelings, emotional or physical, for women. I do have romantic feelings, both emotional and physical, for men, just as a heterosexual man would have for women.

I can now say that I am joyful as I embrace it, but throughout my life this has caused intense guilt and shame. I’ve felt like something was so wrong with me. I hid this struggle so carefully.

I’d like to tell you more about what this has been like for me. I have done everything I’ve known how to do, with great intensity, to change my sexuality. I’ve prayed for hours and hours, day and night, and begged God to change me. I’ve gone to the temple diligently every week, never missing weeks, sometimes multiple times a week. I’ve fasted intensely, 4-6 times per month, sometimes for 48 hours at a time, multiple times. I’ve accepted every calling in the church I possibly could, many with great responsibility, and served very diligently.

Indeed, I embraced the teachings of President Kimball and others when he taught in the Miracle of Forgiveness, “if you pray hard enough, fast hard enough, and are a good enough Mormon, your sexual orientation will change or go away.”

I’ve seen countless therapists, psychologists, mentors. I’ve read books. I’ve watched videos. I’ve studied scriptures.

On top of that, I have tried really hard to develop an interest in girls. I’ve gone on many dates. I’ve had girlfriends. I tried burying my feelings for men and intensely focused all my energy trying to develop a romantic interest in women. I have not been able to change.

Throughout all of these intense efforts, my life was dark. Depression and anxiety do not adequately describe the sorrow, shame, and pain I experienced. I’ve wept for hours and hung on through sleepless nights. I look back at my journals and am alarmed to see the poor state of my mental health. This happened over a long time. I’m not sure why I didn’t wake up and realize what I was doing was unreasonable. To me, being straight and marrying a woman in the temple seemed to be a matter of life or death, something worth giving everything for. I can honestly say I gave everything.

Though I’m in an entirely different place now, it is noteworthy to me that despite all of my efforts, or potentially because of these efforts to try to choose what I thought was the only Godly path, I was deeply suffering.

Throughout this time it seemed like the windows of heaven were shut. It is true that God visited me many times in many ways, and His mercy and goodness have continually blessed me in many aspects of my life. Many times He comforted me. I can particularly remember and have recorded for myself moments of profound heavenly-nearness, and while my suffering was hard, through it my knees brushed mountain tops.

But in my early years when I specifically prayed to have my sexuality changed, I felt nothing. I did not feel Heavenly love, closeness, nor any other heavenly expression that He would entertain the thought of changing my sexuality. Not only was God not answering my prayer to make me straight, and despite our relationship as Father and son, it felt like He didn’t even want to talk about it.

In later years I have increasingly pled to know Father’s will for me in my life. I learned through my experiences. I would be in the middle of a spiritual feast of a prayer, then when I turned to the subject of my homosexuality and asked Him to help me be straight and marry a woman, the quiet, joyful feelings of the Spirit would leave me. It was as though I felt Him saying, “you shouldn’t pray for that, that’s not right.”

I wondered what was right. It has only been in the last 2-3 years that I have begun to understand. I’ve studied the scriptures intensely and prayed as before, for, like others, how to act I did not know. As I’ve wrestled, I’ve specifically studied God’s love for His children and His gift of Jesus, and I’ve had profoundly close moments with God when He has encircled me in the arms of His love.

During this time, just like the disciples of Jesus shortly after they were baptized, it was “given me what to pray” by the Holy Ghost. If it were up to me, my prayers would have been different, but I felt specifically prompted. I prayed with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, asking if it was not true that I should embrace my homosexuality and look for a monogamous relationship with another man.

Contrary to my prayers of earlier years, I had an entirely different experience. When I prayed in this way, I felt “love, joy, peace, goodness.” I felt and was increasingly filled with Heavenly Light. Through my experience over months and years I unmistakably knew that Heavenly Father was answering my prayer.

There is so much more to say, which includes that there are many supporting scriptures I’ve found that help me be sure that this is the right path for me. I’ve studied in my mind and in my heart. If there is one word I would use to describe my journey, it’s labor.

I believe that the prophet and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles are good men that receive revelation but have not yet received this revelation. It seems that they do not yet unanimously know, as I and increasing thousands of other members of the Church who have received this revelation know, that being gay and having a family can be right for some – if not many.

I know I am on the right path for myself. I’m also sure that a gay marriage and family will not, in any way, preclude me of exaltation. On the contrary, I know that God wants me to find a man to marry and live in a monogamous, loving, righteous relationship. I’ve seen Him blessing my efforts as I date other men.

It has been said that the restoration is ongoing. In other words, the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, but it is not yet fully restored. I’m thrilled by the knowledge I have, as you have, that the heavens are open and God is sending revelation to His children. I believe the prophet will receive this particular revelation in the future, but in my case, God sent me the revelation now because I’ve needed it now. This revelation is one of His “good gifts” to me.

There are so many things that we don’t have answers to. I’ve wondered if sometimes we think we do have all the answers. The Church’s teachings evolve over time. I need not mention examples here.

I’d like to reflect on a simple scripture that has become profoundly meaningful to me. Jesus said that the greatest commandments are to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind and to love our neighbor as ourselves. On these hang all the law and the prophets.

There are two things I would like to take from this teaching. The first is this – to have the capacity to love God and love our neighbor we must first love ourselves, but in direct contrast to that commandment, when I was trying to be straight, I hated myself. For years I felt consumed with guilt, shame, and worthlessness, not love. I kept these feelings carefully hidden, and my mental health was very poor.

Now that I’ve begun to love myself for who I am – a homosexual man – and look forward to a homosexual marriage, light, peace, joy, hope, optimism, faith, and every other good fruit of the Spirit have entered my life. I feel like I’ve left a wilderness. I have a greater capacity to love God and my neighbor than I’ve ever had before. I feel like an entirely new person, and I’m full of gratitude.

The second truth I’d like to take from Jesus’ teaching about love is that loving God and our neighbor takes precedence over all the law and the prophets. Put simply, no other commandment is more important than this love.

Speaking of families, Jehovah said it is not good for man to be alone. In general, Jesus said it is important for man to love. Some say that marriage and family are the best vehicles to develop Christlike love and keep these commandments. Perhaps in no other way, the opportunity to develop selflessness, patience, longsuffering, charity, meekness, and love seems greatest in marriage. Though I don’t know from personal experience, I believe that, and I believe God wants me to have that opportunity like all of His children.

I’ve been told that I could choose to be single and celibate for the rest of my life instead. This is the direct implication of what is taught about homosexuality and the law of chastity by the Church today. Since the law of chastity allows sexual relationships only between a wedded man and woman, there is no option for a gay person but to live life without a family, alone.

Choosing that path does not feel right. It feels like that that path would actually be restrictive of eternal progression, like remaining in a state of innocence forever. It seems like it’s missing the whole point of life on earth – to grow through our experiences to become like God, which takes courage. Rather than an expression of courage or righteousness, such a path feels like an expression of faithlessness. In the past I’ve contemplated what Eve would choose to do in my situation.

I’ve also wondered what Joseph Smith would do. When he was young, he had a sincere question that was important to his eternal salvation. He felt compelled to seek answers from the Lord and received an unexpected but profound answer that blessed his life and the lives of many more of God’s children in a wonderful way.

I love the Book of Mormon. Nephi saw in vision a time when men would say, “A Bible, a Bible. We have a Bible and need no more Bible.” As members of the Church, we believe it is very sad that many will not accept, or even consider, that God has given more scripture to bless the lives of his children. I believe the Lord feels that way too. As members of the Church, we believe that they are truly missing out on many plain and precious truths that are not in the scriptures that they have.

As members of the Church, though we mean well, I wonder if we don’t sometimes say, “A Family Proclamation, a Family Proclamation. We have a Family Proclamation and need no more Family Proclamation.”

I know there are thousands of LGBT sons and daughters of God that are faced with very difficult questions. As we read the Family: A Proclamation to the World, please understand that we are left without answers.

The Lord once told Moses, My words never cease. Joseph Smith and many others have taught that we believe that God will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

It is my hope that we can learn from the mistakes of the Pharisees of old. Based on what we read in the Bible, I believe that they may have been well-meaning men. They were the leaders of God’s people, who loved God’s revealed law and honestly wanted to keep his commandments.

But their focus on the law and doctrine that they had received to that point tragically caused them to miss the very Savior of the world when He walked among them. It is my hope that we are not so focused on the law and doctrine that we have received so far that we are not open to what God will share next.

I’ve contemplated these questions deeply. They have occupied my mind and heart for years. I’ve had to face difficult decisions with eternal implications. Indeed, as Paul taught the Philippians, I’ve tried to work out my salvation, and at times that process has been full of fear and great trembling. It has been very hard.

As I’ve tried to figure out what to do, my objective above all else, especially in recent years, is to Hear Him.

I’ve wondered to myself what it would look like if I reached an old age having lived a generally righteous life, keeping the commandments, but instead of choosing to have married a man and created a family when that was an option for me, I chose, of my own accord, to live my life alone. As I picture that day, I wonder if I would have joy, or at least if I would feel truly happy. I wonder if I would also feel like I had filled the measure of my creation.

At that day, I imagine I would, assuming common convention is true, feel safe and ready for judgement, saying to myself that I’ve kept the law, even to the letter. When I would meet Christ one day and give an accounting of my life, I wonder how I would feel if He would say that I missed the meaning of life altogether.

Beyond reflections and quiet thoughts whispered to me while reading the scriptures, I’ve approached God on my knees humbly asking questions more directly. As I’ve reached out, I’ve learned for myself that God does want all the blessings of eternity for me. Being homosexually married and having a family is the way He has shown me I can follow His plan and fill the measure of my creation. Despite what others may think, I look forward to the day when I can start a family of my own. Like many young single men and women, I’m thrilled at the prospect to raise children with my eternal companion.

I’ve been on this sincere quest for a long time. Some may say that embracing my homosexuality is a sin. Rather than sin, I hope that it is evident that I am seeking quite the opposite. I’ve turned to fasting, prayer, and the scriptures. Considering my experience, please see that the sole, all encompassing, and complete object of my quest has been to figure out how I can do what is right.

I’ve never wanted to be gay. I fought it as hard as I could. I’ve wanted to choose the normal path, the conventional path, frankly the path with so much less uncertainty, opposition, ambiguity, and potential for unkindness. Considering what is at stake, rather than the easy way out, choosing a homosexual path for my life has taken a lot of faith.

I’d like to share a few last questions I’ve contemplated on my journey.

This one has been prominent – if marriage and family are so important for exaltation, what about me? Maybe a better question I’ve asked myself is this - why did God send me to earth in the first place? Perhaps it was for me, along with thousands and millions of other gay boys and men He has sent to earth, to live 10 years or 100 years of life alone and singly? It again makes me ponder on the central role of marriage and family in God’s Plan of Salvation and the purpose of mortality, as well as His greatest commandment.

Marriage to a man is a theoretical option for me, just as marriage to a man is a theoretical option for a woman. While not all have the opportunity to marry in this life, I do. While I believe it is true that I can love and serve others outside marriage, it has been hard for me to believe that charity and love are fully developed without a family – now, or more importantly to me, in eternity.

I have wondered about “healing” in death - would God flip a switch and “fix me” in the spirit world? Or over time? Then perhaps I could marry a woman. Perhaps I just need to live life on earth alone and trust that God will cure me of what, on an eternal timescale, is a temporary affliction.

With Amulek, “Nay, I cannot say this.”

With Alma I’ve ask myself the question about post-mortality, “Is the meaning of the word restoration to take a thing of a natural state and place it in an unnatural state, or place it in a state opposite to its nature?” Over the years, and in partnership with the Lord, I have come to know my true nature. I am a gay son of God. It is who I am. You recall with me that Alma then answers his own question, which is why I have come to know that if I weren’t able to marry a man during this life, I would marry a man in eternity.

The scriptures are full of beautiful paradoxes. Abraham was commanded to do something that was explicitly against the revealed commandments of God at the time. Did it make sense for God to command Abraham to sacrifice – or kill – his son? Just as I’ve tried to sacrifice my whole soul to be straight (of my own accord), I’ve felt God stop me. Fortunately, no lives were lost in this endeavor, but there were close calls. He has revealed to me that He does not want me to sacrifice myself to be straight or live in alone-ness or celibacy, while neglecting the “weightier matters of the law.” Instead, though it seems to contradict one commandment, I know He wants me to have faith to follow the example of Abraham, Eve, Adam, Nephi, Moses, Joseph, Peter, Paul, Jacob, and many others when they were faced with similar types of choices.

In hindsight, we know that all of these faithful people chose to follow a higher law when faced with difficult choices. If I was in Eve’s shoes, I would have been very uncomfortable, even daunted as I contemplated eating the forbidden fruit.

But she chose to look forward with an eye of faith and partake. And now, in the presence of God, I believe she looks back and can see that is what God wanted all along, even if it didn’t make sense at the time, and she is glad that she took a great leap of faith.

Recently, we have learned from new prophetic revelation that being gay is not a sin. On my knees I’ve learned that being gay and entering into a committed, monogamous, righteous, homosexual relationship – for me – is discipleship. That is genuinely what I have always wanted.

As He always does, I know that it is the “way God has provided” for me to keep His most important commandments, in some ways casting aside elements of lesser points of the law and the prophets.

Above all else, I know my Redeemer lives. He has carried me throughout my journey. I’ve faced a lot of opposition and struggled to understand, know, accept. There were times that it seemed like too much, like the mountain was too high or the hill was too steep. When I look back and see where I’ve come from, which seems like a distant place in space and time, I plainly see the path has been strewn with miracles and angels sent by divine Love.

The terrain of life is rarely flat or smooth. I also can’t see its end. If He has brought me this far though, I have faith He will carry me through anything – and given my experience to this point, I feel like I can even say everything.

Looking back I also see the forward and upward progress has come with tremendous personal growth. Along with carrying, sustaining, and leading, I’ve seen He has been transforming. I know that is not unique to me, but with His companionship, I know that that will continue personally. I treasure our relationship and my faith in Him. I’m grateful for the opportunity I’ve had to learn to receive revelation. Though I suspect they will also be hard at times, I look forward to years and paths we will walk together. I am full of gratitude, and I stand all amazed at the love He has for me.

I’ve wrestled with this a lot. I wanted to share this letter with you because I love you, I know you love me, and this is an important part of who I am. My family has known for years and has been immensely loving and supportive. I am so grateful for them because they’ve put themselves in my shoes and struggled with these same questions so I haven’t had to walk on this path alone. That has meant so much to me.

There are few gifts that anyone else could give me that are greater than when they put themselves in my shoes, and deeply, thoughtfully, sincerely imagine that they were gay. I appreciate when they empathetically ask themselves and struggle with the question, “I am gay. I have been given this life. What should I do?”

My family has done that for me. Rather than saying “we don’t know,” or “we’re so sorry you’re struggling,” or “we hope the prophet receives revelation for you,” with me, they have actively asked and knocked themselves. They’ve actively pondered the teachings of the Savior, the purpose of life, the importance of love, the importance of families, and what they would do in my shoes.

Their support, their encouragement, and their empathy, as well as the empathy of other faithful members of the church who have been willing to walk on this journey and ask these questions and find answers with me, have been some of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received in my life.


Love,

Spencer