Tina's Story

Tina is a happy, genuine, loving friend of mine who graciously shared her story with me. It is sweet and full of love. I am so happy to share it with all of you. 

I joined the mormon church when I was 18 years old, just right after graduating high school. I felt connected to the gospel and to the Savior through its teaching, most of which are still relevant for me. During this time, I did not understand (or maybe let myself understand) my sexuality. 

Years later, I decided to serve a mission, and at this point I knew I was attracted to women because I had a crush on a girl I played intramural football with. While serving, my companion and I taught a Lesbian who brought my feelings to the forefront of my mind. She was all in, but then backed out of the lessons when we told her she could not marry a woman in the temple. My companion and I talked privately about how we struggled telling her this and felt sad for having to do so. I remember feeling very sad, but having to quickly move past those feelings. Then I remember the policy change the Church instituted deeming same-sex married couples “apostates,” and generally barring their children from baby blessings and baptisms. That was very scary for me to hear and only made me want to push my feelings even deeper. It was hard to feel like I could serve a mission, and every transfer I asked my mission president to send me home but he would not. Looking back now, I’m glad I served my mission all 18 months because I met so many great people and felt the love of the Lord. After my mission, there were small moments where I would think about women and what it would be like, but I never let my imagination run too far. For a while, it felt like that: an imagination. Something I was making up. I mean, for years I suppressed those feelings. And to allow myself to even think about them was just as dangerous. I was homophobic to myself and overall unkind. That was the quickest way to rid my thoughts from my mind. 

I started working at a treatment center for teenage girls where I learned so much about “finding peace with the past, thriving in the present and creating a hopeful future.” I had to teach teenagers how to challenge patterns of behavior and thinking, but I hardly knew how to do that myself. In teaching them, they taught me as well. You hear people say, “face your demons,” “figure things out,” “learn to love yourself,” but the start of that path is unclear. I started with the way I talked to myself. I had to pay attention to the way I did so, so if there were negative patterns I could gain awareness of and stop them. I had friends help me with this too and call me out if I was self deprecating. Then I gave myself permission to feel and talk about my emotions, no matter what the situation. This lead me to look at my core beliefs about myself and how they drive my feelings and actions about things. Once I got to the deeper issues, I came to the conclusion that Authenticity was an important value to me, and if I always suppressed my attraction to women then I wouldn't be living out of that value.

Coming to terms with my attraction to women was hard and scary. I hated me for being me. I wanted to change it, avoid it, bury it, have it be gone. This was the start of my journey to come out. I never let myself think those thoughts and feel those emotions. As sad as I was, I felt at peace with the process because I knew I was trying to find some sort of end. I had a dream that pushed me to want to come out. I don’t remember that dream now, but I knew I couldn't let that dream be real life. That day I came out to my mom, sisters, cousins and two friends. A weight was lifted and suddenly I wasn’t as scared to say I’M QUEER.

 Each part of my life has been a stepping stone to where I am today. Challenging my thoughts and behaviors has been very hard, but helpful in processing and discovering parts of my identity. There seems to have been a lot of undoing the web of beliefs I thought were so true. I hear all the differences of people's opinions about what to believe and who to be and what to say, etc. etc. I have done a lot of introspective thinking and asked myself how I can live as authentically and true to my values as possible, all while trying to live the best, happiest life I can. Doing that, I have found a once in a lifetime love with a beautiful woman, a deep understanding of my path, and the knowledge that love is truly a gem that comes in many forms. I have a lot of questions for Heavenly Father and I know one day he will give me a chance to ask them. For that I am grateful to Him and His Son.