The Things I’ve Learned Since Coming Out - Anonymous Author
I’ve felt like I’m at this point where I think “oh, why not, let’s see how this goes” with a lot of things. That has led me to really be open about the coming out process and how it feels. Obviously I’m only speaking from personal experience, and individual experiences will vary. Here’s a list of things I’ve found to be helpful, and it includes things that I have done, things I have not done, things others have done, and things others have not done. The good and the bad.
Things I Have Done That Were Good
See the process for what it is.
I approach life in a way that I expect it to be a process, and that it’s often a slow one. I came out and felt a sense of lost time and urgency to get going, but there is not a fast forward on life. It takes time to actually experience coming out. Just enjoy it, because it’s yours to enjoy. Not everyone is going to be comfortable with it, and that’s fine.
Accept that you will have feelings.
I will inevitably have feelings about a lot of things, and those are normal. Before, I shoved feelings aside because they were unreliable to me, but I don’t exist to avoid feelings. As of writing this, attending church is painful for me. Do I want to go? Totally, but I’m needing to take care of myself and deal with the way I feel about reality. When I can accept the feelings and stop avoiding them, I’m better able to deal with reality.
Embrace this new part of your life.
Before coming out, I consciously adjusted the way I behaved because I couldn’t have anyone accusing me of being gay. (I didn’t understand a lot of my reality, so that’s a different story entirely.) Now, I’m not afraid of it and so the things I did to make others not see the real me no longer feel shameful. What has that looked like for me? I’m taking a workout class that mostly women take. I bought a t-shirt with a giant still shot from the movie "Clueless” because it’s one of my favorites. Driving with the windows down, I listen to the “girly” music I always liked but was uncomfortable admitting I enjoyed. I’m not so self-conscious about how I talk with my hands! You finally get to just be you.
Allow yourself to have that crush if you happen to have one.
I had internalized the feeling that being gay is bad, and didn’t allow myself to admit to myself that I found men attractive and thought that was an explanation of dealing with something else from my life. I think rejecting the feelings associated with being gay is a very normal approach, especially if you are a Latter-day Saint. Once I allowed myself to have feelings, not just about the situation, but for someone, it was incredible! It felt so good! For me, I first got excited for the prospect of someone, then found out he’s straight and that killed it right there. Other instances might be that you learn they’re not actually the person you thought they were, or you find that you aren’t a good fit together. All valid things to feel about a crush on someone.
Give others time.
I hope this is sort of self-explanatory, but it needs to be stated. (You can’t assume anyone understands anything, so I’ve learned.) When coming out, it might be completely surprising for some people, and they’ve never suspected a thing. Who you are in their mind has just changed a lot, so be patient with them. They’re going to have feelings about you coming out, and that’s very normal. Keep the door of communication open, but don’t force them to “be ok” with it. Were you ok with it immediately? Probably not, so they need to be allowed some time, too.
Try dating when you’re ready.
I didn’t date men before coming out. But shortly after coming out, I jumped right into dating men, and it was fine for me because I felt like I had a good sense of who I am (not completely, but generally) and had learned safe and productive dating practices before when trying to date women. But you might not feel ready, and that’s totally fine. This is part of why agency is so great! You get to make choices for yourself, and you might feel like a certain choice is not the right thing for you.
This is also related to dating when you’re ready, but if someone you’re dating is also new to dating or coming out, they may also have some issues dating. I’ve had a few of those experiences, and while I was disappointed these men weren’t ready to date like they thought they were, I respected the ones who were willing to tell me so and not just ghost me. We’re all sorting it out, so just be patient with yourself and your dates.
Live according to your values.
Oof, this one has been rough. First of all, your sense of what your values are might also be shifting during the coming out process. Mine have, but also not as much as I think a lot of church members would assume. That’s another issue. Hold on to what you value and live accordingly. I’ve developed a lot of respect for people who own their belief and live it. For example, right now I still choose to keep the Word of Wisdom because I feel like it makes sense for me. In dating gay men, that’s a much smaller dating pool for me, but that’s something I choose to value and I hope my future husband (if that even gets to be a thing) feels similarly. I also get that to many prospective partners, the fact that I choose not to drink is probably a huge turn off, and that’s also fine. I’ve also loved this process because I’m growing to be much more understanding of others and the way the values they hold dear. Find out what your values are for you and live accordingly.
What I Have Done That Wasn’t Good
A lot of this seems to have to do with what I expected of others. Hopefully this doesn’t sound bleak…
Expect people to see your perspective.
Going into the coming out process, I consciously knew that people don’t think the way I do, but I thought that people would grasp how big of a deal this was to me and that they’d somehow “get it”. People are just people, and they don’t change easily, if at all. They might be unwilling to sit with you in the mess you’re going through, and that’s a “them” issue, not a “you” issue. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Have high expectations for people to care. (I don’t mean for this to sound cynical.)
This I’ve seen in two ways, that they don’t care in a “it doesn’t make a difference to how I intend to treat you” way, but also in a “so you’re having a hard time, big deal” sort of way. I wanted to feel like people would step up and care about me coming out more than they have. (That’s also another issue with general expectations of life that I’m figuring out in therapy.) For whatever reason, there are just going to be people who don’t show up for you and make any effort to help you feel extra cared for, and that’s fine. Does it hurt any less? No. Find your balance of maintaining hope in others but also be realistic about it because they might not behave as you wanted.
Don’t hate yourself for the shift in how you see your relationship to the church.
This obviously is geared toward LDS people, but so is the whole blog. I’m trying right now to allow myself to accept that attending church weekly was causing me anxiety. This thing that for so long meant everything to me now is causing me pain? That “shouldn’t” be the case, but it’s reality for me. I hold out hope that I’ll be comfortable attending church again in the near future, and eventually with a partner, but today is not that day. (Refer to the point about embracing the process.) You might already not attend church, or you may also have no issue attending. But if that’s been a difficult part to reconcile, don’t hate yourself for it. That’s sort of to be expected.
Rejection is real, and you need to be ready to deal with it.
It’s normal for you to get way excited by the prospect of getting to date people you’re really interested in. When trying to date women, I ended every relationship or dating interaction because I didn’t feel anything for them like I should have. It was pointed out to me that I had never had to deal with romantic rejection before, and it was true! The insecurity this new phase brings out is VERY real, and you’ll read way too much into way too many things. It’s part of the process, so don’t go into this blindly.
What Others Have Done That Helped
They’ve told me they want me to call if I need them.
Do I call most of the people who have said this to me? No. But knowing that I’ve got a few reliable people that will take my call if I need to talk to someone has helped.
A few people have seen the depth of what’s actually going on in my life and they’ve really stepped up. I wish I had actually written down the names of those who have offered because in a moment of crisis, it would be helpful not to have to think back to “Did so-and-so really tell me I can call them at 3:00 AM, or am I just hoping they did?” You need to have the already established relationship with this person in order for them to likely feel really comfortable making that crisis phone call, so make sure you’re treating people right in your life ahead of time.
People have asked about dating/relationships the same way they would a heterosexual experience.
I’ve liked this, as uncomfortable as it was at first. Two of the best conversations I’ve had about dating men felt the same they did when they asked me before about dating women (back when that was still a thing.) I’m still a human, and I’m going to have feelings and thoughts about my life, so the people who can accept those and want to understand what that’s like for me have made me feel loved.
One of my best friends has been willing to have the honest conversations with me and has made sure I had considered my response in a variety of situations on a date. The first one went zero to sixty real fast, but he basically had the condensed version of all the sex and dating conversations the youth get at church in like three sentences. I was seriously impressed by how effective he was! He brought up some scenarios that I needed to really consider, like how I’d respond to a man making his move on a first date. The wave of discomfort (and optimism, to be honest) that brought me was fantastic! I love that someone is willing to talk to me like I’m not defective in this way. If you want to help someone who has come out to you, you make sure they know their experience does not make you uncomfortable.
Address the elephant in the room.
I don’t do attention well, and I’m not really the type to just show up and demand to be accepted. I’ve appreciated it when my friends and family have taken the lead and made the first effort to let me know I’m still welcome and wanted and cared for. (There has been a lot of fear about that for me.) It’s things like this that show me they’re not afraid of my reality and that they still like me, including this new information for them. This behavior also shows me that they know that I’ve come out and that it doesn’t change how they love me.
If it’s the first time you’re seeing someone after you’ve learned of their coming out, however you learned, consider finding a way to bring it up just enough to show them that you know. It doesn’t have to be a whole topic of conversation if it doesn’t need to be, but addressing the elephant makes a difference.
Consider how they might feel and make an effort to alleviate some of the discomfort and stress.
I have one cousin in particular who has gone above and beyond to make sure I know that she loves me. She called and wanted to go to lunch to ask me about ALL the backstory. We already had the kind of relationship that made that comfortable. She took me with her family to a larger family dinner so I didn’t have to show up alone to the first one after coming out. She was able to address the elephant in the room. I took the way she has approached the situation as that she can see that this is incredibly difficult and she wants to do what she can to help. She sees me for who I am. She sees the reality of my life and isn’t afraid.
Make effort to help. You might think you’re doing something small and insignificant, but coming out can feel incredibly lonely, so any kind gesture can be a big deal. One of my favorite quotes is by Camilla Kimball: “Never suppress a generous thought.”
What Others Have Done That Isn’t Helpful
Do not claim anything doctrinally that’s isn’t doctrine.
The worst two things that have been said to me is that they think being gay is a choice and that being gay would just change when I’m dead. Both aren’t doctrine. It may be a culturally held belief, but it’s not doctrine. Separate the two because there’s a lot of misinformation surrounding LGBTQ people in the church.
The reasons those statements hurt are layered. (I already didn’t have great relationships with these two people, so that didn’t help their case much for discussion, but that’s another issue.) Being told it’s a choice makes me think the obvious “why would I choose this?” But it also makes me feel like they think I’m only seeking attention (which as previously stated, I don’t do well with, so it calls into question my sincerity).
Then the big issue that “the gayness goes away when you die” is actually one I still grapple with, because it provides no optimism for me. That only makes me feel trapped in an existence I’m already unsure about, subject to a body I’ve already hated because maybe the gay thing is just physical (???), and that any hope of happiness in a relationship is evil for me. This only ramps up the suicidal thoughts for me because you start to weigh the options and ask yourself “which is the greater good? Do I just move on to ‘the next life’ and not make all the ‘mistakes’ or do I get through life and make all the mistakes that I’m probably going to in an effort to just ‘get by’ in my life?”
Never say those things to anyone. If you’re reading this blog, I’d imagine you already have softer feelings about the matter, but maybe not. If you’re trying to learn and improve, welcome and thank you for trying to understand. Doctrinally inform yourself prior to anyone coming out to you. That’s just a good experience for yourself anyway, regardless if you ever encounter someone LGBTQ+.
Don’t let your efforts to help and be supportive trail off too early.
I’ve compared the coming out process to grieving the death of someone. For me, I’ve felt like I’m grieving the death of myself in a way. In the same sense, “the support” tends to forget about “the grieving” after the funeral has ended and “the support” are (understandably) moving on with life while “the grieving” are left mourning for a long time after. I bet we’ve heard of cases (and maybe this has happened to us) where someone expected the grieving party to just “get over it” and move on, and they’ve done something to make them feel less than because they’re “not over it” like someone might expect. I’ve had a few people that have trailed off earlier than I hoped, and while I know they care, it starts to feel like they’re tired of helping. That can really mess with your self-esteem. If you’ve got the capacity, stick with this person longer than you think you should in being an active supporter for them. Henry Eyring mentioned in a talk that if you treat people like they’re in crisis, you’ll be right more than half the time. I think that’s sound advice.
Conclusion
I hope this gives some ideas of what the coming out experience is like. I’m not sure what the reader demographics are, if most of us are out and looking for support, how many aren’t out yet (and we especially love you because we’ve been there), or if it’s those trying to be supportive, but I think all of these principles are some good food for thought. This obviously is not an exhaustive list, and we would love to hear more about what has been helpful for you, and also what hasn’t. One person’s perspective is not going to capture the whole picture, so your voice is needed just as much as any.
Let’s go love one another, shall we?
I don’t do attention well, and I’m not really the type to just show up and demand to be accepted. I’ve appreciated it when my friends and family have taken the lead and made the first effort to let me know I’m still welcome and wanted and cared for. (There has been a lot of fear about that for me.) It’s things like this that show me they’re not afraid of my reality and that they still like me, including this new information for them. This behavior also shows me that they know that I’ve come out and that it doesn’t change how they love me.
If it’s the first time you’re seeing someone after you’ve learned of their coming out, however you learned, consider finding a way to bring it up just enough to show them that you know. It doesn’t have to be a whole topic of conversation if it doesn’t need to be, but addressing the elephant makes a difference.
Consider how they might feel and make an effort to alleviate some of the discomfort and stress.
I have one cousin in particular who has gone above and beyond to make sure I know that she loves me. She called and wanted to go to lunch to ask me about ALL the backstory. We already had the kind of relationship that made that comfortable. She took me with her family to a larger family dinner so I didn’t have to show up alone to the first one after coming out. She was able to address the elephant in the room. I took the way she has approached the situation as that she can see that this is incredibly difficult and she wants to do what she can to help. She sees me for who I am. She sees the reality of my life and isn’t afraid.
Make effort to help. You might think you’re doing something small and insignificant, but coming out can feel incredibly lonely, so any kind gesture can be a big deal. One of my favorite quotes is by Camilla Kimball: “Never suppress a generous thought.”
What Others Have Done That Isn’t Helpful
Do not claim anything doctrinally that’s isn’t doctrine.
The worst two things that have been said to me is that they think being gay is a choice and that being gay would just change when I’m dead. Both aren’t doctrine. It may be a culturally held belief, but it’s not doctrine. Separate the two because there’s a lot of misinformation surrounding LGBTQ people in the church.
The reasons those statements hurt are layered. (I already didn’t have great relationships with these two people, so that didn’t help their case much for discussion, but that’s another issue.) Being told it’s a choice makes me think the obvious “why would I choose this?” But it also makes me feel like they think I’m only seeking attention (which as previously stated, I don’t do well with, so it calls into question my sincerity).
Then the big issue that “the gayness goes away when you die” is actually one I still grapple with, because it provides no optimism for me. That only makes me feel trapped in an existence I’m already unsure about, subject to a body I’ve already hated because maybe the gay thing is just physical (???), and that any hope of happiness in a relationship is evil for me. This only ramps up the suicidal thoughts for me because you start to weigh the options and ask yourself “which is the greater good? Do I just move on to ‘the next life’ and not make all the ‘mistakes’ or do I get through life and make all the mistakes that I’m probably going to in an effort to just ‘get by’ in my life?”
Never say those things to anyone. If you’re reading this blog, I’d imagine you already have softer feelings about the matter, but maybe not. If you’re trying to learn and improve, welcome and thank you for trying to understand. Doctrinally inform yourself prior to anyone coming out to you. That’s just a good experience for yourself anyway, regardless if you ever encounter someone LGBTQ+.
Don’t let your efforts to help and be supportive trail off too early.
I’ve compared the coming out process to grieving the death of someone. For me, I’ve felt like I’m grieving the death of myself in a way. In the same sense, “the support” tends to forget about “the grieving” after the funeral has ended and “the support” are (understandably) moving on with life while “the grieving” are left mourning for a long time after. I bet we’ve heard of cases (and maybe this has happened to us) where someone expected the grieving party to just “get over it” and move on, and they’ve done something to make them feel less than because they’re “not over it” like someone might expect. I’ve had a few people that have trailed off earlier than I hoped, and while I know they care, it starts to feel like they’re tired of helping. That can really mess with your self-esteem. If you’ve got the capacity, stick with this person longer than you think you should in being an active supporter for them. Henry Eyring mentioned in a talk that if you treat people like they’re in crisis, you’ll be right more than half the time. I think that’s sound advice.
Conclusion
I hope this gives some ideas of what the coming out experience is like. I’m not sure what the reader demographics are, if most of us are out and looking for support, how many aren’t out yet (and we especially love you because we’ve been there), or if it’s those trying to be supportive, but I think all of these principles are some good food for thought. This obviously is not an exhaustive list, and we would love to hear more about what has been helpful for you, and also what hasn’t. One person’s perspective is not going to capture the whole picture, so your voice is needed just as much as any.
Let’s go love one another, shall we?
Comments
Post a Comment