Liz's Story
Liz reached out to me after discovering this blog and shared her own blog with me. Her story and experiences are beautiful and I asked if I could share a couple of her posts. This is a "gay Q&A" Liz put together that covers FAQ of the gay community. Enjoy and check out her blog here if you'd like to read more.
Q: How long have you known?
A: I came to terms with being gay as a twenty-year-old missionary in Arizona. If I’m being honest, I knew much earlier than that, but denial runs deep–and digging through that denial for understanding was simultaneously a crushing and liberating experience.
Q: Growing up, were you attracted to girls?
A: Yes. Although I didn’t completely recognize it at the time, I started crushing on girls when I was eleven years old. Sometimes, I met girls and instantly recognized how crazy pretty they were, and my heart literally skipped a beat when I saw them–or even just thought about them. Other times, I made new friends and grew closer to old ones and reached a point where I couldn’t stop thinking about them–I longed to be with them, thought about how I could impress them, and fantasized about spending quality time with just them. At the time, I thought this was how everyone felt about their friends. But it wasn’t.
I was never drawn to boys like that. Growing up, I had a few fleeting crushes on boys, but they were brought on when they showed interest in me; I liked the idea of being liked, so I tried (almost subconsciously) to make myself like the boys who gave me attention. I often had to consciously decide to have these crushes–I gave myself little pep talks like this: Okay Elizabeth, you’re gonna like this boy cuz [he likes you] or [he likes writing and dancing, so you have common interests] or [you’re supposed to like someone, so he’s gonna be that someone]. Again, I thought that was normal. But it wasn’t.
Q: Did you ever question your sexuality as a teenager?
A: Oh yeah. I first questioned my sexuality when I was thirteen. One of my best friends at the time told me, “I swear you’re gay for me,” and I immediately dismissed her comment and promised her that I wasn’t. But I panicked, cuz her comment wasn’t off-base: I did really enjoy cuddling with her, and I thought about her like 24/7, and I did cute things to make her smile. But, I wasn’t even close to ready to be honest with myself, so I pushed the question aside. Into the very back of the closet.
In 2012, when gay marriage became legally recognized in Washington state, I questioned my sexuality again. When a friend posted about it on Facebook, I felt a weird whirl of happiness and relief. The news hit too close to home, and I wondered if maybe I was…one of them. I then nervously mentioned the legalization to my mom, afraid that she’d say it was a shame, but she responded positively. I’ll never forget what she said: “It makes sense. They deserve to be happy and get married, too.”
As a seventeen-year-old freshman at BYU, an old friend and I were talking in her car, and I had the strongest desire to lean over and kiss her. Or even just hold her hand. This really freaked me out, cuz I’d already made myself believe that I was straight in high school.
I could cite a dozen other little examples like this, but I think you get the point.
Q: But haven’t you dated (or gotten close to dating) a few boys?
A: Yeah, kinda. Whenever I got close to having a boyfriend in high school or college, I really only wanted to be friends with them. I recognized that they were fun people to hang out with, but I wasn’t attracted to them. I didn’t think they were very cute, and I wasn’t emotionally drawn to them, and I didn’t long to be with them the way I did with some of my female friends. I was more or less indifferent. (Awful, I know, but it’s the truth.)
Because the idea of having an actual boyfriend wasn’t appealing, I had a track record for pushing guys away when we approached a commitment threshold. For example, I dated a guy for three weeks my freshman year at BYU. Before making it official, we hung out once a week for a whole semester without ever holding hands or kissing or anything. When he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, I told him no–and I meant it! I enjoyed being his friend, but I wasn’t attracted to him, physically or emotionally. A few weeks later, I felt bad for telling him no, so I decided to give him a chance…only to break up with him three weeks later.
You might be thinking, So things didn’t work out with that guy, but that doesn’t mean you’re gay. You just have to find the right guy. Well, friend, I thought that, too. But it’s been that way with every guy. And believe me, I tried really hard to convince myself that I was straight, that my indifference towards guys was a fluke, that my Mr. Right was out there somewhere. I tried a Latter-day Saint dating app. I tried speed dating. I took ballroom classes and met guys at swing dances. I introduced myself to random guys in classes, on campus, and at my apartment complex. But the more I tried to make myself attracted to them, the more indifferent I became. And, more importantly, while I was hard at work trying to like boys, I was also hard at work trying to not like girls.
Q: Did your experience with sexual assault make you gay?
A: Nope.
Q: So why come out now?
A: Pretending to be straight is exhausting, so I’m hoping that coming out will help me preserve energy and focus on more important things, like being a good friend, advocating for positive change in the world, growing spiritually, and not hating myself over a part of me I didn’t choose. I want to be authentic and vulnerable with people, and it’s difficult to do that when I’m hiding an important part of myself.
Q: How does this change who you are?
A: In almost every regard, I’m still me! I’m still my golden retriever self with a love for teaching, rock climbing, and writing. I eat too much ice cream and listen to too much Taylor Swift. I treasure the restored gospel and rely on Jesus Christ in my everyday life. I just also like girls (and very much appreciate gay jokes/memes/Tik Toks).
Q: How does this affect your relationship with God?
A: As a missionary, I spent hours on my knees pleading with Heavenly Father to take my same-sex attraction away. That prayer wasn’t answered–but over time, He blessed me with self-love, strong allies, and personal revelation that helped me understand His unique plan for me. Like I recited weekly as a teenager at church, I know I’m a daughter of Heavenly Parents who love me, and I love Them.
Q: What does this mean for your involvement in the Church?
A: Even though my future as a Latter-day Saint will be non-traditional and emotionally difficult at times, I’m keeping the Church and the restored Gospel at the center of my life. I know the Book of Mormon is true, I know modern prophets are called of God, I know revelation is real, and I know Christ is the Savior of the world. That’s enough for me to stay.
Q: How do you feel about being gay?
A: I wouldn’t change my sexuality if I could. Over time, I’ve come to see it as a complex but beautiful part of my divine blueprint. I’ve been happier this past year than I’ve ever been before (COVID and all!), and my self-acceptance has certainly factored into that happiness :).
Q: Any funny gay/in-the-closet stories?
A: YES. DM me.
Q: How long have you known?
A: I came to terms with being gay as a twenty-year-old missionary in Arizona. If I’m being honest, I knew much earlier than that, but denial runs deep–and digging through that denial for understanding was simultaneously a crushing and liberating experience.
Q: Growing up, were you attracted to girls?
A: Yes. Although I didn’t completely recognize it at the time, I started crushing on girls when I was eleven years old. Sometimes, I met girls and instantly recognized how crazy pretty they were, and my heart literally skipped a beat when I saw them–or even just thought about them. Other times, I made new friends and grew closer to old ones and reached a point where I couldn’t stop thinking about them–I longed to be with them, thought about how I could impress them, and fantasized about spending quality time with just them. At the time, I thought this was how everyone felt about their friends. But it wasn’t.
I was never drawn to boys like that. Growing up, I had a few fleeting crushes on boys, but they were brought on when they showed interest in me; I liked the idea of being liked, so I tried (almost subconsciously) to make myself like the boys who gave me attention. I often had to consciously decide to have these crushes–I gave myself little pep talks like this: Okay Elizabeth, you’re gonna like this boy cuz [he likes you] or [he likes writing and dancing, so you have common interests] or [you’re supposed to like someone, so he’s gonna be that someone]. Again, I thought that was normal. But it wasn’t.
Q: Did you ever question your sexuality as a teenager?
A: Oh yeah. I first questioned my sexuality when I was thirteen. One of my best friends at the time told me, “I swear you’re gay for me,” and I immediately dismissed her comment and promised her that I wasn’t. But I panicked, cuz her comment wasn’t off-base: I did really enjoy cuddling with her, and I thought about her like 24/7, and I did cute things to make her smile. But, I wasn’t even close to ready to be honest with myself, so I pushed the question aside. Into the very back of the closet.
In 2012, when gay marriage became legally recognized in Washington state, I questioned my sexuality again. When a friend posted about it on Facebook, I felt a weird whirl of happiness and relief. The news hit too close to home, and I wondered if maybe I was…one of them. I then nervously mentioned the legalization to my mom, afraid that she’d say it was a shame, but she responded positively. I’ll never forget what she said: “It makes sense. They deserve to be happy and get married, too.”
As a seventeen-year-old freshman at BYU, an old friend and I were talking in her car, and I had the strongest desire to lean over and kiss her. Or even just hold her hand. This really freaked me out, cuz I’d already made myself believe that I was straight in high school.
I could cite a dozen other little examples like this, but I think you get the point.
Q: But haven’t you dated (or gotten close to dating) a few boys?
A: Yeah, kinda. Whenever I got close to having a boyfriend in high school or college, I really only wanted to be friends with them. I recognized that they were fun people to hang out with, but I wasn’t attracted to them. I didn’t think they were very cute, and I wasn’t emotionally drawn to them, and I didn’t long to be with them the way I did with some of my female friends. I was more or less indifferent. (Awful, I know, but it’s the truth.)
Because the idea of having an actual boyfriend wasn’t appealing, I had a track record for pushing guys away when we approached a commitment threshold. For example, I dated a guy for three weeks my freshman year at BYU. Before making it official, we hung out once a week for a whole semester without ever holding hands or kissing or anything. When he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, I told him no–and I meant it! I enjoyed being his friend, but I wasn’t attracted to him, physically or emotionally. A few weeks later, I felt bad for telling him no, so I decided to give him a chance…only to break up with him three weeks later.
You might be thinking, So things didn’t work out with that guy, but that doesn’t mean you’re gay. You just have to find the right guy. Well, friend, I thought that, too. But it’s been that way with every guy. And believe me, I tried really hard to convince myself that I was straight, that my indifference towards guys was a fluke, that my Mr. Right was out there somewhere. I tried a Latter-day Saint dating app. I tried speed dating. I took ballroom classes and met guys at swing dances. I introduced myself to random guys in classes, on campus, and at my apartment complex. But the more I tried to make myself attracted to them, the more indifferent I became. And, more importantly, while I was hard at work trying to like boys, I was also hard at work trying to not like girls.
Q: Did your experience with sexual assault make you gay?
A: Nope.
Q: So why come out now?
A: Pretending to be straight is exhausting, so I’m hoping that coming out will help me preserve energy and focus on more important things, like being a good friend, advocating for positive change in the world, growing spiritually, and not hating myself over a part of me I didn’t choose. I want to be authentic and vulnerable with people, and it’s difficult to do that when I’m hiding an important part of myself.
Q: How does this change who you are?
A: In almost every regard, I’m still me! I’m still my golden retriever self with a love for teaching, rock climbing, and writing. I eat too much ice cream and listen to too much Taylor Swift. I treasure the restored gospel and rely on Jesus Christ in my everyday life. I just also like girls (and very much appreciate gay jokes/memes/Tik Toks).
Q: How does this affect your relationship with God?
A: As a missionary, I spent hours on my knees pleading with Heavenly Father to take my same-sex attraction away. That prayer wasn’t answered–but over time, He blessed me with self-love, strong allies, and personal revelation that helped me understand His unique plan for me. Like I recited weekly as a teenager at church, I know I’m a daughter of Heavenly Parents who love me, and I love Them.
Q: What does this mean for your involvement in the Church?
A: Even though my future as a Latter-day Saint will be non-traditional and emotionally difficult at times, I’m keeping the Church and the restored Gospel at the center of my life. I know the Book of Mormon is true, I know modern prophets are called of God, I know revelation is real, and I know Christ is the Savior of the world. That’s enough for me to stay.
Q: How do you feel about being gay?
A: I wouldn’t change my sexuality if I could. Over time, I’ve come to see it as a complex but beautiful part of my divine blueprint. I’ve been happier this past year than I’ve ever been before (COVID and all!), and my self-acceptance has certainly factored into that happiness :).
Q: Any funny gay/in-the-closet stories?
A: YES. DM me.
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