Tommi's Story

Tommi volunteered to share her story after coming across this blog through a mutual friend and I'm glad she did! I love being able to share different stories of people navigating the highs and lows of coming out as a member of the Church and arriving at a happy and healthy place, wherever that may be. And that is definitely true for Tommi (and Shannon!). Enjoy. 

I was always a tomboy. I wanted my hair out of my face, basketball shorts, and huge t-shirts. I liked playing sports with the boys and fit in well with them. When I started high school, I became embarrassed that I was the only girl that didn’t care what I looked or dressed like. I started to change my appearance to fit in with the norms of society and fell into a partying crowd of friends. Being that my parents were divorced, I worked the system and was dishonest with both of my parents to get away with more things that they didn’t approve of. I stopped going to church and felt pressure from friends to party and have boyfriends.

Having boyfriends seemed easy. I had no real interest in them, therefore no real reason to try to impress them. Because of social pressure from friends, I kept the same boyfriend on and off throughout most of high school. We became good friends, which made things easy, until we would kiss. There were never any sparks or fireworks. I jumped on the partying nights where we would play truth or dare, and I would be dared to kiss girls. I felt real butterflies. It was never like that for me with boys.

After high school, I moved to Alaska for college. I didn’t go with anyone that I knew and wasn’t making friends as easily as I thought I would. I decided to go to the local young single adult ward to meet some friends with no real intention to start going back to church. I became friends with some cool people right off the bat. I started dating a boy in the ward which helped restart my activity in the church. He quickly left on a mission and all my other friends were putting in mission papers as well. I didn’t know what I wanted to do in school and was looking for any chance to avoid college, so I decided I would go on a mission too. Everyone I knew was shocked, as I had really only spent the last year being active in the church.

A few weeks before I left on my mission, I went on a camping trip with a few friends from the ward. A distant friend came along and brought a friend with her. Her friends name was Shannon. I was so interested in her. I thought that she was beautiful. Her presence was intoxicating, but my mission plans were constantly in the back of my mind. We hung out one more quick time before I left for the MTC and I thought that would be the last time I would see her.

I came home from my mission early because of anxiety and depression. But within the few months that I was on my mission, my testimony blossomed. I was able to learn how to read the scriptures and pray to receive answers. I loved the church and the gospel with everything I was. I spent the early days home from my mission throwing myself into church service. I was quickly called into callings that required a lot of my attention, but I was so embarrassed of the fact that I came home early. I did not tell ANYONE and soon began feeling like a fraud.

I was living in a dark place and no one besides my therapist knew because I would not let them in. That is when I decided that I should reach out to someone. I started with someone that was uninvolved in my day-to-day life because I wouldn’t have to face reality. I reached out to Shannon over Facebook. We caught up on basic things, such as dating life and job situations, and eventually talked about everything. I confided in her about my shame of coming home early from my mission and she told me that she was gay. We would confide in each other about everything and there was no pressure to it because we didn’t live near each other.

We became quick best friends and talked every free second that we had throughout the day. Texting, calling, FaceTime, Snapchat, anything to talk to one another. We fell in love over the phone. It seemed simple. I decided that I couldn’t take the distance anymore, so I flew out to Utah where she was living to visit her. It was better and more magical in person. That short weeklong trip validated everything that we were both feeling. I had never felt this way about someone before and I knew that it was right. I flew back home, quit my job, and moved to Utah within two short months. Even if we weren’t going to end up together because of the church, I knew I needed to be around her intoxicating personality.

Shannon had a lot of ground rules when I moved to Utah. I had to get my own place, we couldn’t kiss or anything, and we needed to seem like we were just friends. For the first 3 months of me moving, those rules were out the window. We had the best summer of being together and feeling happy. When the summer was over and another school year was starting for the both of us (teaching 5th grade for Shannon and another year of college for me), reality set in. The rules were back in place and it was a constant battle of what we were and where we fit into the church. I felt like I was losing her because of the sudden step back from where we were. This is the first time that I admit to myself that I am gay because I shouldn’t have had those abandonment feelings about a friend. We fought about the church and being together for 3 years. We would make plans to be together and then back out of them because of the way the church and our families would see our relationship. We were not happy.

After 3 long and emotional years, we decided to try being together in secret. No one would know and we would be able to see if we were happy. We were SO HAPPY. Life seemed effortless. We decided to come out to our families because we knew that we wanted to get married and be together publicly.

I was scared to tell my family… Were they going to bare their testimonies at me and make me feel like a pariah? Were they going to treat me differently and treat Shannon differently? I had no idea what their reactions would be, but being with Shannon and living happily everyday was worth whatever reaction they would have. I told each person in my family and had those long and emotional conversations, and they all still loved me. I wasn’t shocked that they still loved me. Deep down I knew they would, but coming out is hard.

Within 6 months of coming out to my family, Shannon proposed to me. We decided to have a long and enjoyable engagement. We knew it would seem fast to outsiders looking in, but it seemed like a long time coming for us. We wanted both of our families to get used to the idea before making two large Mormon families come to their first gay wedding. That long engagement has been all that I have wanted it to be. We have grown closer than we thought we could. We are now in the process of wedding planning for our June 2021 wedding.

This journey of being a gay member of the church has not been easy. I realize that my view on life (and church policy) is more relaxed than others and I try not to stress about the things that I do not understand. Shannon and I are still trying to see where we fit within the church. It is hard to navigate the good in the church from the hurtful things, but we are hopeful that we will find a loving and safe place for us. I am confident that God loves me. I have felt His approval of my happiness while being with Shannon through His endless love and constant blessings.

Small disclaimer: This is me, today. This is the path that I am on, today. I don’t know where I will be tomorrow and what new challenges are ahead. All I know is that I will continue to be true to myself, today, tomorrow, and forever with Shannon by my side.