Claire’s Story Part II

My favorite human wrote another post. Her story is beautiful and took lots of courage, strength, personal reflection, and following of her own heart. I don’t think I know a better human being! I love her more every day, and I’m so excited to share her (second) story :)

I wanted to give an update on my story since a lot has changed since March. The last time I wrote on this blog it was just the beginning of Covid-19 quarantine hell! It was just the start to figuring out what was truly best for me. I had broken off a relationship with the woman that I love and decided I needed time to myself to figure out what I believe and what was next for me. Quarantine ended up being a blessing in disguise because I spent 99 percent of my time alone. I decided I was going to become perfect. If I consecrated myself and dedicated myself to keeping the commandments perfectly It was guaranteed that God would tell me exactly what to do. Right? Clarity would come because that’s just how it works. I wrote down the literal date of any past “sins” to confess to my bishop and started every day with prayer and an hour long scripture study. I honestly did feel some more peace as I reconnected with God and to what was always familiar to me. But as I continued to study and pray I became more and more frustrated with some of the teachings of the church. I felt so conflicted. Why was it becoming harder to find peace when I was doing what I was supposed to be doing? I wasn’t happy. I was becoming more and more frustrated at the church as i tried to follow it. I felt so much pain. I was also trying so hard to follow the revelation that I received as I prayed. Then I felt I was getting revelation about being gay and acting on it. That it was good and that God was ok with it. Even supported it. These feelings felt so similar to the feelings that made me believe the church was true. How could this be ok with God if it was against the church and its teachings? How could both the church and this revelation both be true?

I was going to two therapists at the time and during my meeting with one, shared my feelings of discontent and confusion. I was in pain. I felt sad not being accepted for who I was and who I loved. How could it be ok to be gay but not act on it? What was so wrong with being with someone you love despite their gender? It doesn’t harm anyone. If anything it helps people live a life that is true to who they are. I couldn’t deny the good feelings I felt. I truly felt that I was receiving revelation from God that it was ok to act on my feelings. My therapist asked me if a break from church might be helpful since it was causing me so much pain and confusion. As I drove home from therapy I felt that this was exactly what I needed to do. I had feelings like this when praying to know if the church was true. These feelings were strong. How can I trust my revelation? So I I took a break. I was just going to see how I felt. Would the devil take over my life entirely? Would I go down some dark path I couldn’t come back from? No, I just took some space to discover what I believe and it really felt like God was ok with that. I cried on the way home from therapy feeling a sense of relief. Feeling like I could finally have the time and space to be who I am and feel out what was right for me. I didn’t necessarily stop praying or reading my scriptures. I just didn’t obsess over becoming perfect.

Life became better. I always believed that my life was better when I was keeping all of the commandments. But I realized that life was better because I was doing what felt right for me. Back when I was living what I thought was the most worthy life, I thought it was the path I should be on. But maybe I needed to reevaluate. The truth wasn’t as clear to me anymore. As I gave myself a chance to consider new truth things started lining up for me. I felt confident for the first time in my life. I felt good about dating both men and women so I did. At first I really just dated men. It didn’t feel right. So I started dating women and it was eye opening! I felt more. I felt more excited. I felt more of a romantic connection. I could start seeing a potential future that felt so natural to me. With men, more and more it felt great making new friends but most of the time it just felt plutonic. I swiped through all the men on the dating apps just to reach women. It felt right. I felt good. I felt like this wasn’t wrong and God didn’t think it was wrong. I kept praying and I honestly felt God more in my life as I accepted who I was and aligned my life with who I was.

It wasn’t easy to accept this. I started feeling angry at the church. I started letting myself feel what I had always felt about some of the teachings and beliefs. I let myself be bothered and
didn’t just put things on a shelf until it would all be figured out in the next life. I started realizing that I felt that I had been harmed by the church. Suppressing doubts and my true self to follow what I thought was true. I grieved the loss of church. The loss of community. I grieved the life I thought I would have. A temple marriage. A life that I thought would make me worthy of love from God. Worthy of love from my friends. From my parents. But I really did feel that God was still in my life and that I was on the right path now.

I decided it was time to share this with my family and friends. My parents are wonderful and reacted in a loving way. But also had to grieve the life that they always wanted for me. There was a bit of an intervention from friends who couldn’t understand how I could think this was right. I know all of this came out of a place of love. But for probably the first time in my life I was listening to my gut, my instincts, revelation(?). I was starting to question what revelation even was. This is just the beginning of my journey to find what I believe in now. For the first time I felt confident in what I personally felt was right for me even though the majority of people in my life disagreed. I felt so free and so happy. I had finally found peace and it was like a weight had been lifted.

It was far from easy but so worth it in the end. And it’s not the end. But I feel more ok with uncertainty than ever before. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future or what I believe about the church. I do know that I believe that it’s ok to be gay and act on it. I also know that there are other things in the church that make me uneasy. The church may change some day but I’m done putting things on a shelf until the next life. I’m trusting myself and doing what’s best for me. I don’t feel as angry or upset with the church anymore. I honestly think it does a lot of good and do think there is some truth there. But I never thought that I would ever be in this space. I love following rules. I don’t want to go against the grain. I want to be good. I am good! I love myself and I know that God loves me for who I am. If there is a God. I am constantly reevaluating and that’s ok.

I was able to be reunited with the person that I love most and couldn’t be happier! My anxiety has not disappeared and I still have some PTSD from church. What if I’ve made the wrong choice? What if I am changing the path of my entire life? What about my patriarchal blessing? If there is a God I don’t think he would let me ruin everything and if he truly loves then he will guide me to what is right. I will always be able to change my mind about what I believe but I will never again believe that being gay and acting on it is wrong. The love that I have feels so pure.