Kristen's Story
I met Kristen on my mission, and I knew I liked her from the start. Her story has progressed along a similar timeline as my own, and I've been grateful for her friendship. She's also the best classic skater I've ever seen! Her story is honest and heartfelt, and I'm excited to share it with you.
I am not a rebel. I don’t like breaking rules. When I drive past a cop, I sit up straight, keep my eyes on the road, and act like a perfect citizen. It’s not like I’m even doing anything wrong--I just need the cop to know that there’s no reason to think I’m breaking any rules.
To some people, this isn’t a surprise. I exude teacher-pet vibes. I’m not perfect, but they know I don’t go out of my way to prove that I’m hard. They know I’m no badass. But to other people, I am edgy. I’m the ex-Mormon lesbian who wears black. I’m the liberal high school English teacher who probably voted for Hillary and hates the patriarchy.
But that wasn’t always the case. I grew up Mormon. I went to BYU. I served a mission. I fit into the Mormon mold pretty well the first two decades of my life. Right and wrong were as clear as black and white. Following the commandments was easy. Doing the “right” thing was natural. It was all so simple--before I found out I was gay. That’s when shit hit the fan.
(I may have said crap back then, but I digress.)
Before we get to the part about the shit and fan, let me give you an image of the type of girl I was. Growing up, I was the quintessential tomboy. It’s not that I wanted to be a boy, I was just extremely aware of how dumb girl stuff was and how much better the boys’ version was. I also liked sports, but reading, art, and music also took up a large amount of my childhood. I was proud of being unique. Looking back, it’s pretty obvious that I’ve always been gay. I had all types of crushes on my girl friends, my friends’ moms, my teachers, etc. I never had those kinds of crushes on boys or their dads. Once I got older, I started dating, but my dating life had a bad track record because I knew the second I started dating the guy, there was no “us” in the future.
It’s actually quite shocking that it took me so long to come out because I clearly remember telling my friends, “I don’t’ know. I just start to feel disgusted by the guy after a couple of weeks.” Do straight girls talk about nice boys as disgusting? I’m thinking--no. The thing is, it took me so long to figure out my sexuality because I thought it had to do with that--sex. And yes, sex and physical attraction is a huge part of my sexuality, but there’s also an emotional attraction. All those girl-crushes I had? Emotional. It makes sense that I didn’t think I was part of the LGBTQ community--it was all about sex, and that wasn’t on my mind. My mind was on that girl, and how I wanted to be her best friend. Her everything.
I finally came out to myself the week before I turned 23. I was a newly returned missionary, a BYU student, but mostly, an emotional wreck. My life went from average college student to television drama overnight. I’m serious--the stories I could tell about that first semester back--they were ridiculous. And here’s the part that really saddens me: I would love to tell you those stories. Those stories would make you laugh, cringe, maybe even cry, but I can’t tell my story about my first love because our lives went in two completely different directions. I may have discovered my sexuality because of her, but I think she discovered her faith. And that faith doesn’t mix with me.
It has been nearly five years since I came out to myself. I came out to my mom the day after, and I continually came out to my close friends and family. Eventually, I came out publicly. I am blessed to have family and friends who accepted me with open arms. I know it was painful for many, but they showed true Christ-like love through their acceptance.
I graduated from BYU, became a teacher, and continued on with my life. I am turning 28 next week and, once upon a time, I would’ve assumed I’d be married (to a MAN) with a couple of kids by now. Instead, I’m living with my amazing partner Bianca, teaching, and studying at the University of Utah part-time for my Master’s degree. Lots about my life has changed, but not much about me has changed. I’m still not a rebel, I’m still a teacher’s pet, and I still care what people think of me. The only real difference is--I’m out.
I am not a rebel. I don’t like breaking rules. When I drive past a cop, I sit up straight, keep my eyes on the road, and act like a perfect citizen. It’s not like I’m even doing anything wrong--I just need the cop to know that there’s no reason to think I’m breaking any rules.
To some people, this isn’t a surprise. I exude teacher-pet vibes. I’m not perfect, but they know I don’t go out of my way to prove that I’m hard. They know I’m no badass. But to other people, I am edgy. I’m the ex-Mormon lesbian who wears black. I’m the liberal high school English teacher who probably voted for Hillary and hates the patriarchy.
I mean, that may be speculation but also not totally off home base.
But that wasn’t always the case. I grew up Mormon. I went to BYU. I served a mission. I fit into the Mormon mold pretty well the first two decades of my life. Right and wrong were as clear as black and white. Following the commandments was easy. Doing the “right” thing was natural. It was all so simple--before I found out I was gay. That’s when shit hit the fan.
(I may have said crap back then, but I digress.)
Before we get to the part about the shit and fan, let me give you an image of the type of girl I was. Growing up, I was the quintessential tomboy. It’s not that I wanted to be a boy, I was just extremely aware of how dumb girl stuff was and how much better the boys’ version was. I also liked sports, but reading, art, and music also took up a large amount of my childhood. I was proud of being unique. Looking back, it’s pretty obvious that I’ve always been gay. I had all types of crushes on my girl friends, my friends’ moms, my teachers, etc. I never had those kinds of crushes on boys or their dads. Once I got older, I started dating, but my dating life had a bad track record because I knew the second I started dating the guy, there was no “us” in the future.
It’s actually quite shocking that it took me so long to come out because I clearly remember telling my friends, “I don’t’ know. I just start to feel disgusted by the guy after a couple of weeks.” Do straight girls talk about nice boys as disgusting? I’m thinking--no. The thing is, it took me so long to figure out my sexuality because I thought it had to do with that--sex. And yes, sex and physical attraction is a huge part of my sexuality, but there’s also an emotional attraction. All those girl-crushes I had? Emotional. It makes sense that I didn’t think I was part of the LGBTQ community--it was all about sex, and that wasn’t on my mind. My mind was on that girl, and how I wanted to be her best friend. Her everything.
I finally came out to myself the week before I turned 23. I was a newly returned missionary, a BYU student, but mostly, an emotional wreck. My life went from average college student to television drama overnight. I’m serious--the stories I could tell about that first semester back--they were ridiculous. And here’s the part that really saddens me: I would love to tell you those stories. Those stories would make you laugh, cringe, maybe even cry, but I can’t tell my story about my first love because our lives went in two completely different directions. I may have discovered my sexuality because of her, but I think she discovered her faith. And that faith doesn’t mix with me.
It has been nearly five years since I came out to myself. I came out to my mom the day after, and I continually came out to my close friends and family. Eventually, I came out publicly. I am blessed to have family and friends who accepted me with open arms. I know it was painful for many, but they showed true Christ-like love through their acceptance.
I graduated from BYU, became a teacher, and continued on with my life. I am turning 28 next week and, once upon a time, I would’ve assumed I’d be married (to a MAN) with a couple of kids by now. Instead, I’m living with my amazing partner Bianca, teaching, and studying at the University of Utah part-time for my Master’s degree. Lots about my life has changed, but not much about me has changed. I’m still not a rebel, I’m still a teacher’s pet, and I still care what people think of me. The only real difference is--I’m out.
Such a heartfelt story - you are awesome 👏
ReplyDelete