Claire's Story

This one obviously hits close to home for me. Claire is a wonderful human who I got to date for two and a half years. She is one of the most thoughtful, creative, and empathetic people I know, and I had an absolutely amazing time with her. Her story is honest and tearful, and perfectly highlights the struggle of being gay and Mormon. I think anyone who is LGBTQ and part of a church community can relate. Enjoy everybody <3

I honestly feel that God wants me to share my experience, for whatever reason, so here I am. These are my thoughts. They may or may not change with time. It’s a bit of a mess but I hope it feels honest. I’m no writer.

I was born and raised in the church. I loved the church growing up. I had many spiritual experiences that helped me feel it was all true. I served a mission in Minnesota and I loved it. My life was going to be perfect. My mission president told me I wouldn’t have a problem finding someone to marry when I returned home. He was inspired right? It was going to be simple for me.

I first started questioning my sexuality in college, just after my mission. I hadn’t dated much before then. I was ready to take the next life step, you know? I finally had my first boyfriend and first kiss. But as I dated more and more I realized I would lose interest pretty quickly with every man. I started thinking.. am I gay?? I would imagine kissing girls sometimes.. maybe I could be into that? I definitely enjoyed hanging out with my roommates more than the boys I was dating. But does that make me gay?

I graduated college and got a job as a flight attendant. In flight attendant training I met a woman that flirted with me and I ended up crushing hard. We started chatting over the next few months. I would have dreams about kissing her. I was excited but also terrified. I came out to my parents thinking I was gay because of this. They didn’t take it very seriously and apparently neither did I.

After nothing coming of that I ended up moving to Minnesota for work. I dated a few men and ended up engaged at one point. I could finally take my coming out to my parents back. Thank goodness. I was convinced this meant I wasn’t gay.

After realizing that relationship wasn’t right for me, and breaking off my engagement, I wanted a fresh start. I moved back to Utah and decided I was going to pray for God to help me find my eternal companion. Typical. I had never been really excited about praying for that but felt it was what I was supposed to be doing. I felt obligated.

A month or two later I met a girl at church. I really clicked with her and loved spending time with her. We ended up hanging out a lot and friendship turned into a crush..which turned into a secret relationship...which turned into a real relationship..and then an on-and-off again relationship for about two and a half years. I would date guys, but ultimately come back to her. It was better with her. We were so compatible. I’d never before wanted to stick around in a relationship. It felt so normal and how I always imagined a perfect romantic relationship would be like.

But she was a woman. Obviously I was conflicted. I had some really strong beliefs linked to the church. But I had some really strong feelings for her. I didn’t want to let go. I was afraid I would never find something like this again. I had never felt like this before. Am I gay? Am I bisexual? I always had crushes on boys or men growing up. I ended up analyzing and analyzing my past experiences with men and women. I have definitely been deeply drawn to women. Women I felt I really enjoyed being around and wanted to spend my time with. Does that make me gay? I would convince myself that all women have best friends...and then I would think...I have definitely loved men before. I am attracted to men.. but I can’t deny my attraction to women... especially this woman.. maybe we are all bisexual and it’s all fluid..we just need to open our minds to the idea..maybe there is a spectrum of sexuality..I thought.. maybe the church is wrong... maybe it’s not true at all.. how could the church preach so much about eternal families..but make it impossible if you are gay.. there are plenty of gay couples that have healthy and happy marriages and families... I would think crazy things like...maybe it’s a mental illness to be gay or that something in my childhood had made me feel this way about women. I was so closed-minded to the idea that it might actually be ok to be attracted to women.

My mind has been racing with these thoughts almost constantly for the past few years. It gives me anxiety. It makes me want to cry.. I feel so strongly that it can’t be wrong. But what if I’m wrong? What if it’s just a trial that some people have to go through? But, so many people?? What if I make a huge life decision like marrying a woman and later regret it? What if we have kids together? Then there is no going back...how do people make these decisions??

I started getting jealous of my gay Mormon friends that felt so good and settled with the decision to stay in the church... or leave.. or do both. Why couldn’t I make up my mind? Why wasn’t God helping me? I was trying to follow the feelings of the spirit but I felt like my feelings were contradicting each other. Was I sinning so God was becoming distant from me? I tried to study my scriptures more and pray more to see if I could resolve it all.

Nothing... so I gave up. I was tired of not getting answers. I was tired of the judgemental people I talked to about it. It was either obviously wrong or obviously right in their eyes, and I just needed to do the "right" thing. What? I couldn’t say if I believed the church was wrong or right. I had no idea. So I tried to let things be for a while and just have a girlfriend. It was great at the beginning, but there was guilt. There were panic attacks. I couldn’t get a handle on my emotions or my anxiety. It was the most confusing experience. I loved being with her so much but also felt so many negative feelings that I felt I couldn’t control.

So, I’m giving myself space to sort out my feelings. I’m still uncertain and will probably always be. I’m still so confused. It is so hard to go to church and feel accepted when you are different from the norm...When you feel so strongly about something that is forbidden. But you also feel so strongly about the church's teachings otherwise. I’m trying to find a place I can exist happily. A place I can feel at peace with myself and with God.

I am readjusting every day because what I thought would be a simple future has turned into so much confusion. I thought I would just find a man I’m compatible with and get married in the temple and have five kids.

Questioning has been the biggest blessing for me. Making mistakes has been a huge blessing. The friendships I have made and the relationships I have had have changed my life and given me perspective. I feel that I am a less judgemental and more empathetic person.

I'm pretty sure I’m bisexual? I often feel that it’s less valid for me to have a post on here or to share my journey with others.. Because yes, I feel that I could be with someone of the opposite sex. But, I fell in love with a woman. And that’s my experience.

This is what I choose to believe right now. Based on the feelings in my heart and based on the feelings that I believe are from God. I don’t know anything for sure. But I do believe that God loves me. Even if I haven’t received answers from him, I have felt so much comfort. I believe that Jesus Christ exists and made it possible for me to make mistakes and figure life out. I have made many many many stupid decisions throughout this experience. I am sorry for the people that I have hurt. I am trying to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made. I have been to a lot of therapy..which I highly recommend. A lot of bishop’s offices... where everyone has something different to say. I am learning to trust myself and my relationship with God. I ultimately don’t feel that it is wrong to have a life with someone of the same sex, and I don’t know how that fits in with the church, but I hope to find more clarity with time.

Do I believe that the church is perfect? No. Do I believe it could change? Yes. Right now I still feel good about going to church and feel it improves my life. This is where I am right now and that’s ok. It’s ok to take time to figure out what is best for you. And I think, and hope, and pray that God will help me find that. I think we are all unique individuals and God has a plan for each of us.