Julie's Story
I got to see some of Julie's progression and her and Laura's love story firsthand, and I am so happy to call them friends! Julies is a fighter who I know had to go through many difficult moments to arrive at the peace and happiness she feels today. I love the positive, optimistic outlook she shares, and I love her for sharing her story with all of us. Enjoy!
In my opinion, life was meant to include grey areas rather than stick to a strict black or white view. Most organizations are constantly trying to simplify identities, experiences, and choices in order to increase their capacity to organize and manage. We see this on forms, select one: married/single, male/female, employed/unemployed. Oft times, options are narrowed to two choices, this or that. In creating these two distinct choices (a this or that pattern) called a binary, these organizations have created a world that is black or white, with little to no room for any grey area.
Humans tend to like binaries because it allows for such a simplistic yes or no. There cannot be any question, you’re either one way, or you’re not. You are for it or you are against it. We don’t want people in the middle, because we don’t know how to deal with people in the messy middle. Yet there are people in the middle so what do we do about them? About me?
To me, the world had never been black or white. I grew up in an area that was too culturally rich for me to feel there was only one way of acting or believing. It is this exact mindset that essentially prepared me to accept an identity as a bisexual woman. I would learn quickly that this middle ground identity within a clearly divided binary of sexuality (you’re either straight or you’re gay) would prove extremely messy for my family and my community. In fact, when I “came out” and told my parents that I was dating a woman, it was expressed to me that as a bisexual woman I would be judged by God in a more harsh manner than if I had been gay. Simply because I could date a man and be completely fulfilled and happy yet was choosing to be with a woman. While I personally believe that to be untrue, it demonstrates how messy it can be in the middle grey area.
Unlike many LGBTQ+ individuals I don’t have experiences of a strong attraction to the same sex growing up nor in college. And yet, it totally happened. I fell in love with my best friend, what?! My sweet fiancé Laura loves to joke and say she can give everyone in the friendzone hope.
One of the things I love about her is her sense of humor, though life is clearly more complicated than that.
Laura in so many ways is my one and only. Not just because she is going to be my wife, but also because she’s the first and only woman that I’ve ever been romantically interested in. We had been best friends and pretty much inseparable for over 2.5 years before I realized I had feelings for her. I knew Laura had feelings for me pretty much our entire friendship and even though I did not feel the same about her, we had full respect for one another with where we each stood and extremely open communication so it worked for us.
I remember vividly one of the first therapy sessions I was having with my current therapist when she so innocently asked me, “so how long have you and Laura been exclusive?” If I had been drinking water, it would have exploded out of my nose! I was so dumbfounded and responded, “Oh I think you misunderstood, we aren’t together, we are just best friends.” To which she ever so kindly apologized and we moved on. For her it probably meant nothing, but for me I found myself thinking about that question over and over for many months as I dove into my biggest detective job yet.
As I began thinking, I quickly acknowledged that for all intents and purposes Laura and I were “emotionally” dating at the time. So, I dove into that for a while and contemplated what that might mean for me. Then I spent some time determining if I had physical feelings for Laura by examining my thoughts and feelings for a few months. Once I had determined that I did indeed have romantic feelings for Laura, I took a few more months to determine what I wanted to do about it.
I prayed a lot, thought all the time, and even cried a bit knowing what it would mean religiously if I chose to tell Laura about my feelings for her and maybe act on them. During this entire process I had the same peace come over me. I knew that God loved me and created life to include the grey. For me, unlike many others, I never had accepted the Church’s stance on LGBTQ+ topics including gay marriage. I have always believed that God was no respecter of persons that He loved all of His children the same and had a plan for all. It was always part of the church that I personally just “agreed to disagree” on. While that did make it easier for me as I was navigating everything spiritually, in the sense that I never have felt like God would damn Laura and I for dating or getting married, it was still a process to wrap my head around the potential of being in a same-sex relationship. Something that until this time I had never given any thought.
This was a six-month discovery process that I did without telling Laura a single word. My next step was to “come out” as bisexual (if you have to label it—I personally prefer to just let people be people) to my gay best friend. *Insert face palm here* I waited for a really causal moment to drop the fact that I had feelings for her. To say Laura was shocked is perhaps the biggest understatement of the world. I’m pretty sure her jaw dropped to the earth’s core and her eyes opened wider than a whale sharks mouth.
My best friend, now sweetheart, responded by essentially telling me “that’s great, but you don’t have to do anything about it.” Little did she know I’d already done months of soul searching. After sweet, open, and kind conversations we decided to try dating.
For me, that is when the real struggles came. Not from Laura, she’s a dream, but from others. After we had dated for a few months with only a few close friends knowing, we decided the best thing to do was to start dating more openly to keep seeing how it went. I’ve received the whole range of reactions from people that I told about our relationship. One of the sweetest reactions was one of my brothers who immediately cried the most loving tears and gave me the biggest hug while telling me how happy he was for me. I cry every time I think about it! I wish so much that all of the reactions had been like that one.
My heart aches when I think of the negative reactions I’ve received. I have lost people in my life because of how they have treated either Laura or myself. Losses that shouldn’t happen, and wouldn’t happen if the actions of people truly came from a place of love. I’m not even saying acceptance, because you can certainly love someone and treat them with all the love and kindness in the world without accepting their choices.
For me, it was extremely trying to cope with the strong rejection from family members and friends. Specifically, it is so hard for me to have people say their rejection comes from following God’s laws yet I feel complete peace and comfort from God in the path that I am taking, I just can’t comprehend being mean-spirited and hurtful to someone because they are choosing a different path than yours.
Thanks to therapy, a loving partner, and countless loving friends and family I’ve learned to accept the loss and find joy in wonderful life I am living and will continue to live. In all honesty though, there are still dark days that come. I still have days when I am burdened down with loss and wonder if I will ever have the strength to forgive the wounds that are still too fresh to have healed. It’s on those days that Laura and I watch a lot of TV, snuggle on the couch with our dog, and eat chocolate. I am so grateful that my dark days are not the norm.
Yes, the hard days still come, but peace and joy always return quickly. The happiness, joy, and peace I feel always expel the darkness and remind me of the beauties in my life now and the ones that will continue to come. God’s love for me and other LGBTQ+ people is no less than the love, compassion, and excitement He has for straight people. God is perfect which means the creation of LGBTQ+ peoples is on purpose. Perhaps the purpose is to teach each other how to exercise a more godly love. Maybe it's to remind us of the constant need to take our struggles to God to find the answers that we don’t yet know and lay our troubles at God’s altar. Maybe it’s to teach us of the beauty of the grey area.
I don’t know for certain Gods purposes. I do, however, know the purpose of LGBTQ+ people is not to be alone for in the Bible it says, “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Likewise, for myself I do know that the purpose is not to be miserable for “men are that they might have joy” (2Nephi 2:25). When I was thinking about proposing and ultimately marrying Laura, I often felt as if God was telling me he was happy for my life partner being of either biological sex. To me, marrying a man or marrying Laura are essentially the same, so why would I give up the sweet love, companionship, and immense joy I have with Laura to hopefully or eventually find a man whom I also enjoy that much? I love Laura too much to ever want to live without her
️
At this point, I’m not itching to be part of the LDS Church. There’s too much pain there for LGBTQ+ people and I personally disagree with many of the stances the church makes on various matters and how it is run. I’ve been able to step away with happy memories and gratitude for all I’ve learned. I feel really thankful that I have been able to separate my pain and frustration with the LDS Church from Christ. Like I’ve said, I still feel very much connected to God and am grateful for that peace and companionship. There are many aspects of the church doctrine and teaching that resonates with me and I still hold those dear.
I’ve come to trust in Nephi’s admonishment that this life for us to “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men” (2 Nephi 31:20). There is hope of a bright future in my life, because my life is already full of brightness with Laura by my side. While I am sad that people who I love will miss out on the brightness and hope in my life because of my decision to date and marry Laura, I am grateful for a loving God who comforts me in knowing that it will all be okay. For “men are that they might have joy” and I intend to share my happiness and love with every human being placed on my path as I live joyfully in a world of grey.
In my opinion, life was meant to include grey areas rather than stick to a strict black or white view. Most organizations are constantly trying to simplify identities, experiences, and choices in order to increase their capacity to organize and manage. We see this on forms, select one: married/single, male/female, employed/unemployed. Oft times, options are narrowed to two choices, this or that. In creating these two distinct choices (a this or that pattern) called a binary, these organizations have created a world that is black or white, with little to no room for any grey area.
Humans tend to like binaries because it allows for such a simplistic yes or no. There cannot be any question, you’re either one way, or you’re not. You are for it or you are against it. We don’t want people in the middle, because we don’t know how to deal with people in the messy middle. Yet there are people in the middle so what do we do about them? About me?
To me, the world had never been black or white. I grew up in an area that was too culturally rich for me to feel there was only one way of acting or believing. It is this exact mindset that essentially prepared me to accept an identity as a bisexual woman. I would learn quickly that this middle ground identity within a clearly divided binary of sexuality (you’re either straight or you’re gay) would prove extremely messy for my family and my community. In fact, when I “came out” and told my parents that I was dating a woman, it was expressed to me that as a bisexual woman I would be judged by God in a more harsh manner than if I had been gay. Simply because I could date a man and be completely fulfilled and happy yet was choosing to be with a woman. While I personally believe that to be untrue, it demonstrates how messy it can be in the middle grey area.
Unlike many LGBTQ+ individuals I don’t have experiences of a strong attraction to the same sex growing up nor in college. And yet, it totally happened. I fell in love with my best friend, what?! My sweet fiancé Laura loves to joke and say she can give everyone in the friendzone hope.
Laura in so many ways is my one and only. Not just because she is going to be my wife, but also because she’s the first and only woman that I’ve ever been romantically interested in. We had been best friends and pretty much inseparable for over 2.5 years before I realized I had feelings for her. I knew Laura had feelings for me pretty much our entire friendship and even though I did not feel the same about her, we had full respect for one another with where we each stood and extremely open communication so it worked for us.
I remember vividly one of the first therapy sessions I was having with my current therapist when she so innocently asked me, “so how long have you and Laura been exclusive?” If I had been drinking water, it would have exploded out of my nose! I was so dumbfounded and responded, “Oh I think you misunderstood, we aren’t together, we are just best friends.” To which she ever so kindly apologized and we moved on. For her it probably meant nothing, but for me I found myself thinking about that question over and over for many months as I dove into my biggest detective job yet.
As I began thinking, I quickly acknowledged that for all intents and purposes Laura and I were “emotionally” dating at the time. So, I dove into that for a while and contemplated what that might mean for me. Then I spent some time determining if I had physical feelings for Laura by examining my thoughts and feelings for a few months. Once I had determined that I did indeed have romantic feelings for Laura, I took a few more months to determine what I wanted to do about it.
This was a six-month discovery process that I did without telling Laura a single word. My next step was to “come out” as bisexual (if you have to label it—I personally prefer to just let people be people) to my gay best friend. *Insert face palm here* I waited for a really causal moment to drop the fact that I had feelings for her. To say Laura was shocked is perhaps the biggest understatement of the world. I’m pretty sure her jaw dropped to the earth’s core and her eyes opened wider than a whale sharks mouth.
My best friend, now sweetheart, responded by essentially telling me “that’s great, but you don’t have to do anything about it.” Little did she know I’d already done months of soul searching. After sweet, open, and kind conversations we decided to try dating.
For me, that is when the real struggles came. Not from Laura, she’s a dream, but from others. After we had dated for a few months with only a few close friends knowing, we decided the best thing to do was to start dating more openly to keep seeing how it went. I’ve received the whole range of reactions from people that I told about our relationship. One of the sweetest reactions was one of my brothers who immediately cried the most loving tears and gave me the biggest hug while telling me how happy he was for me. I cry every time I think about it! I wish so much that all of the reactions had been like that one.
My heart aches when I think of the negative reactions I’ve received. I have lost people in my life because of how they have treated either Laura or myself. Losses that shouldn’t happen, and wouldn’t happen if the actions of people truly came from a place of love. I’m not even saying acceptance, because you can certainly love someone and treat them with all the love and kindness in the world without accepting their choices.
For me, it was extremely trying to cope with the strong rejection from family members and friends. Specifically, it is so hard for me to have people say their rejection comes from following God’s laws yet I feel complete peace and comfort from God in the path that I am taking, I just can’t comprehend being mean-spirited and hurtful to someone because they are choosing a different path than yours.Thanks to therapy, a loving partner, and countless loving friends and family I’ve learned to accept the loss and find joy in wonderful life I am living and will continue to live. In all honesty though, there are still dark days that come. I still have days when I am burdened down with loss and wonder if I will ever have the strength to forgive the wounds that are still too fresh to have healed. It’s on those days that Laura and I watch a lot of TV, snuggle on the couch with our dog, and eat chocolate. I am so grateful that my dark days are not the norm.
Yes, the hard days still come, but peace and joy always return quickly. The happiness, joy, and peace I feel always expel the darkness and remind me of the beauties in my life now and the ones that will continue to come. God’s love for me and other LGBTQ+ people is no less than the love, compassion, and excitement He has for straight people. God is perfect which means the creation of LGBTQ+ peoples is on purpose. Perhaps the purpose is to teach each other how to exercise a more godly love. Maybe it's to remind us of the constant need to take our struggles to God to find the answers that we don’t yet know and lay our troubles at God’s altar. Maybe it’s to teach us of the beauty of the grey area.
I don’t know for certain Gods purposes. I do, however, know the purpose of LGBTQ+ people is not to be alone for in the Bible it says, “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Likewise, for myself I do know that the purpose is not to be miserable for “men are that they might have joy” (2Nephi 2:25). When I was thinking about proposing and ultimately marrying Laura, I often felt as if God was telling me he was happy for my life partner being of either biological sex. To me, marrying a man or marrying Laura are essentially the same, so why would I give up the sweet love, companionship, and immense joy I have with Laura to hopefully or eventually find a man whom I also enjoy that much? I love Laura too much to ever want to live without her
At this point, I’m not itching to be part of the LDS Church. There’s too much pain there for LGBTQ+ people and I personally disagree with many of the stances the church makes on various matters and how it is run. I’ve been able to step away with happy memories and gratitude for all I’ve learned. I feel really thankful that I have been able to separate my pain and frustration with the LDS Church from Christ. Like I’ve said, I still feel very much connected to God and am grateful for that peace and companionship. There are many aspects of the church doctrine and teaching that resonates with me and I still hold those dear.
I’ve come to trust in Nephi’s admonishment that this life for us to “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men” (2 Nephi 31:20). There is hope of a bright future in my life, because my life is already full of brightness with Laura by my side. While I am sad that people who I love will miss out on the brightness and hope in my life because of my decision to date and marry Laura, I am grateful for a loving God who comforts me in knowing that it will all be okay. For “men are that they might have joy” and I intend to share my happiness and love with every human being placed on my path as I live joyfully in a world of grey.
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