Starting to Lose Your Faith

This post was more a free-flow of thought that poured out almost as soon as I sat down. Hopefully it's helpful for someone. Also, if you know of anyone who would be willing to share a post (even anonymously) please let me know! I think it's so much more helpful to hear the thoughts of many different people rather than just one (i.e. me). Thanks <3

North Shore of Lake Superior in Minnesota - highly recommend!

Starting to Lose Your Faith

I want to talk about something that has been on my mind a lot and I think on the mind of most LGBT Mormons at one point or another: starting to lose your faith. The struggle and the journey are different for everyone, but I’ve found some common themes among my LGBT friends about the progression of their faith upon finding out they are gay, bi, etc. These aren’t necessarily grouped perfectly and each can involve months or years worth of time, but here’s my best summary.

Steps of Faith Decline

First, trying to be as righteous as possible. Thinking that this, like other hardships in your life, can be solved by trying harder, praying harder, studying your scriptures more, holding significant church callings, and dating members of the opposite sex as if everything is ok.

Second, as the first doesn’t make the feelings go away, feeling immense shame, guilt, fear, depression, turmoil, and hopelessness. You feel entirely stuck. Literally pulled in two directions and unable to move forward.

Third, as the feelings from the second are unsustainable and become unbearable, you start to research the teachings of the church on the matter, maybe start talking to family members and friends about what you’re feeling, and even look at material outside of the church. From people who once were members and are no longer. You feel a bit distant from these stories because that could NEVER be you. But you also feel heard in a way. You begin to see a glimmer of hope, a distant idea that maybe there actually is a way out of all of this. You become a little more settled in yourself. You feel RELIEF from telling loved ones about your struggles. Finally your burden is being shared a little more. But it is still there and there’s no way you’re ready to tell the world what you’re feeling; you don’t know what you want to do after all, and you’re SURE you can make a relationship with someone of the opposite sex work. You just need more time.

Fourth, as you become more settled in yourself from the third stage, you start to separate God and the church in your heart and mind. When you pray or think about things or gain insights from talking to loved ones, you feel loved. You even start to not dislike yourself so much. (I remember when I came out to an old friend, she told me she was proud of me. That blew me away. Someone was PROUD of this. Hearing that allowed me to start to feel it for myself.) You realize that maybe the church doesn’t have a monopoly on God, and that God can speak to us all individually and allow us to dictate our own lives. This was maybe the biggest step for me.

Fifth, you come out to more people and maybe even tentatively try dating people of the same sex. Though, even when you’re in this somewhat later stage, it still hurts. You’re maybe 60% ok being gay, but you still can’t see a future with someone of the same sex, and you still mourn for the faith and surety you once had. You’re afraid to tell people from your mission or your youth church leaders who always thought you were the most righteous of the bunch. How will they react when they know you’re gay? You think they’ll be disappointed in you and not understand. You realize you’ll be just like those less-active members you used to visit, and members will think you are less-than. The thought of that brings tears to your eyes.

Sixth, you tell more people, you kiss/date people of the same sex and it all starts to feel different. A good different. You understand why people want to get married, hold hands, and be romantic. You feel good. And that makes you wonder, why? How are you able to feel good when you’re doing something “against the commandments?” You start to wonder if maybe it is ok? Maybe you really are allowed to get revelation for your own life? Maybe the prophets are wrong about this? What else could they not have all the answers to? How do I know what I believe?

And this is where people start to break off. Maybe you find greater peace in sticking with the church wholeheartedly and within the confines of its structure and safety. Or maybe (and this is what happens for many LGBT members I'd say) you start to look for a different path. It's hard to stay on a path that causes so much heartache for you.You'll likely want that path to have ties to the church, but for the first time in your life, you have to decide what YOU believe. If you start to think that maybe you don’t have to follow every rule word for word, which ones should you keep? Which are “true?” If some aren’t true, is the church true? Is God real? (You can see how it starts to spiral!)

Finding Your Way

As terrifying as this stage is, it’s also somewhat liberating. I think this stage mimics the spirit of Mormonism at its founding: seeking truth and understanding from God through questions and pondering. And seeking with the assumption that you can actually get any answer - not just one answer that has already been determined by a governing body. It’s also liberating when you realize you don’t have to get rid of everything. You can, if that is what’s best for you, but you don’t have to. When I was discussing all of this with a former therapist, she shared an analogy that I really liked. She said that when people leave the church (or decrease their activity), they think they have to burn the whole building down with them, leaving behind all the values they once held dear. What she suggests to her clients (mostly gay members of the church) instead, is to take a metaphorical backpack with them and place all the things they still value and want to keep in their lives inside of it. For example, you want a monogamous marriage, you still believe in Joseph's story, and you still love Jesus Christ. If those things still serve you, keep them! If not, leave them, but don’t feel it’s an all-or-nothing decision. I loved that. 

Personally, I kind of find myself in a space where I’m investigating everything again. I find truths for me, and peace, and connections with God/the universe in many different places. But then also lots of doubts and concerns and apathy. And that’s ok. I feel hardly no shame as I once did for thinking a different way and exploring my own path. I’m forgiving of myself and more empathetic towards others. I’m closer with my family and friends because I’m not blocking them out and thinking I need to solve everything on my own or be “ok” all the time. But there is a mourning for sure. Losing faith is close to losing a loved one - it leaves a void. I want to fill that void again. It likely won’t be in the same way, as I’ve grown and learned more about myself, but I’m excited for the journey.