"...'cause shade never made anybody less gay"

Salt Lake City Pride Parade 2019

Anyone who knows me knows that Taylor Swift is my favorite human being and I am slightly (definitely) obsessed with her. A line from her recent hit song, "You Need to Calm Down," seemed like the perfect title for the topic of my next post: things that are good and not so good to say or do to LGBT members. These are of course my own opinions, but all have been validated by other LGBT members. I do this merely to share what has been helpful or hurtful to me in my past experiences with bishops, friends, ward members, etc. So here we go.

Helpful: Bishops showing love and a true air of welcomeness no matter what stage a member is at

When I moved to Salt Lake, I was terrified to talk to my new bishop about being gay, particularly that I was dating a girl. Right when I went into his office and started telling him, he stopped me. He looked me in the eye and told me that I was welcomed, loved, and wanted here. He told me that he knows I probably haven't always been treated with love in the church by members or bishops, but he wants me to know that he wants me here. He said he felt soon after he became a bishop that his main calling was to help the LGBT members of the ward. He then concluded that no matter what stage I was at, if I wanted to go to all of church or only some, some Sundays or every Sunday, even if I didn't really want to come to church at all, that he wanted me to know I was welcomed and he would meet me where I was. I was not expecting that from (no offense) a white-haired, straight bishop!

I was pretty shocked, but mostly just touched. I felt such pure love in that room, and I was so excited to start in the ward. I could feel that love throughout the ward honestly. I think a loving, empathetic, understanding bishop can really set the tone for the whole congregation. Especially in a YSA ward where people are going to talk to the bishop about things all the time. That ward was one of the most well-attended I've had, both at sacrament meeting and activities, because I think members truly felt comfortable coming as they were. Even if they didn't fit the traditional mold of the church and "messed up" sometimes (as we all do!!).

Hurtful: A bishop/members telling gay members that they are upsetting or hurting God 

Unfortunately, many bishops I have had did not react quite as well as the previously mentioned bishop did. I often give members of the church the benefit of the doubt when they talk to me about LGBT issues. Sometimes (though increasingly less so), my conversation with them is the first time they've had to personally address homosexuality. And I especially give older generations a little more leeway since I know that a very specific image of homosexuality existed when they grew up and it is hard for them to comprehend.

However, we need to be better. So many LGBT members feel immense shame and sorrow when told that what they are feeling or doing is upsetting to God. I once went to speak to a bishop about things I had done with a girl I was dating - something very very common for teenage and college-aged youth to do. I was crying and already feeling so much pain and sorrow. My bishop told me that homosexuality was wrong and that I was "making the Atonement more difficult for Christ" by continuing to do this. It absolutely broke my heart and made me feel like I had no hope of getting right with God again. It took a lot of personal reflection and talks with God to realize I was still so loved and so so ok. I do not hate this man or even think he would know how much what he said affected me. I also know that in many ways bishops' hands are tied as to what they can say or do about this issue. But oh how much better things would be if LGBT members were shown love FIRST. If they were treated similarly to their straight counterparts, and if the main goal of such meetings or conversations was to help them feel hope for what lies ahead.

Helpful: Giving LGBT members the gift of agency 

Everyone on this earth has already been given the gift of agency, but sometimes it feels like it has been taken away. How do you really have a choice if there's only one "right way?" It took me a long time to come out to someone I am very close to and who is like another mother figure in my life. This is because she and her family are very "Mormon" and I worried about her reaction. However, when I told her, she was beyond loving and caring. She told me that she loved me and trusted me, and that if I kept God close, I couldn't go wrong no matter what I did. Similar to what Ben mentioned in his story, this was like re-gifting me the gift of agency - the ability to choose my own path. And actually allowing me to choose my own path, not just saying you'll only accept me if I choose a certain way.

During that conversation, I really felt the love of God and wanted to keep Him close. I actually remember wanting to read the scriptures right after...and it had been quite some time since I wanted to do that! When people imply or tell me I have only one choice, I feel trapped, coerced, and unmotivated. With agency, I feel empowered, enlightened, and confident.

Hurtful: Being sent church talks and being told to "remember what you believe" 

When I was first coming out, I cannot tell you how many people sent me old church talks about homosexuality, sent me articles about gay members who "turned straight" and married someone of the opposite sex, or told me, "remember what you believe." If there is one thing that gay members know more about than their straight counterparts, it's the doctrine and policies of the church surrounding homosexuality. The first thing LGBT members did when they started realizing their non-straight sexual feelings was scour everything the church has ever written about it and then some. I can almost guarantee it. I know often times people mean well, but when you send an LGBT member an article the church has written about homosexuality, they have probably already read it and it rarely ever helps (especially if it's just reiterating church doctrine). We all grew up in the same church and know all the same rules :) I have very much enjoyed when friends send me loving, helpful stories and articles about how gay members of the church are living their best lives (see Ben's blog, anything written by Tom Christofferson, and anything in this blog). These are so much more uplifting and hopeful.

Helpful: Loving unconditionally

This is hard for every human and we are all working on being better at it. However, many times when I've talked to members about being gay or dating a woman, they will say "I love you, but..." and then follow it with something like "...I can't support what you're doing," or "...you know what you have to do" (that one is funny to me because no, I have no idea what I "have to do," that's what's stressful!). When people tell me they love me and leave it at that, it feels so much better.

Hurtful: Comparing homosexuality to pornography addictions, pedaphilia, and alcoholism

This is unfortunately one that has happened to me in the church, and it can be so hurtful. Society and the church have both come to understand that homosexuality is something people are born with and there is no way of changing it. Comparing it with the things listed above causes people to feel horrible about themselves and like they are inherently dirty, immoral, or broken. Those issues are real, treatable, and do not inherently make people bad people. But they are very different from homosexuality and should be handled differently.

P.S. I also had a bishopric that, a few times during sacrament meeting the day of the pride parade in Salt Lake City, referenced the "dark things" going on downtown. I had left the parade early that day to be able to attend church. It was a wonderful experience where, for one of the first times, I saw people celebrating their sexuality and actually having people on the streets cheer for them. I felt like I was receiving a big hug, and the residents of the city were saying, "we are here for you, we support you, we want you here." It did not feel "dark" to me at all. And there I was sitting in the pews with rainbow stickers on my nails and a rainbow tattoo on my arm while they said this. Thankfully I was in a healthy place with my sexuality and felt no need to hide the rainbowness, but I worried about other gay members of the ward in attendance. Hearing that from your leaders would instantly make anyone who is questioning their sexuality (or even proud of their sexuality) to feel not very welcomed.

Helpful: Treating LGBT people the same

It can be difficult at times for members of the church to know how to toe the line between loving someone and showing support for a way of living that goes against the teachings of the church. I can honestly say that I have never assumed when a member of the church shows me love, asks me about being gay, or asks me about my girlfriend, that they suddenly do not believe in the church or that they suddenly feel 100 percent ok about what I am doing. LGBT children know how their active Mormon parents feel about this issue, and they know the church's stance. Like my friend Ben once noted, it would kind of be like feeling the need as a member of the church to announce in a home where alcohol is kept or being served that though you are here, you do not support what they are doing. Sounds silly, right? It is only hurtful when friends or family members continually remind LGBT loved-ones that they do not support what they're doing or ignore asking about those aspects of their lives altogether.

Instead, it meant the world when I was first coming out when someone asked me how my girlfriend was, went to LGBT events with me (even Pride events), or brought LGBT topics up without it feeling like a confession for me. When adult children are in straight relationships, parents ask them all the time about their significant other, invite that significant other to family events, and do not act like the relationship doesn't exist. Affording the same treatment to partners of the same sex is one of the most helpful things, and it allows LGBT family members and friends to feel included and loved exactly how they are.

Interacting with LGBT members, like anyone else, is not an exact science and feelings will likely be hurt on both sides at some point. I also believe that the vast majority of people are not meaning to be hurtful or malicious. As we all strive to do our best, find greater understanding on both sides, and treat each other with love and respect, I know we will come out the better for it.