Kelly's Story

Hi, I'm Kelly. I figured if I was going to ask my friends to share their stories, I needed to share my own! I want to add before I start that 1) these are my personal thoughts, not the thoughts of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or anyone else, and 2) I don't claim to have it all figured out. I have no idea if I'm "right!"But I do know that I am happy and in a healthy place in life in regards to my sexuality and faith. Hopefully my story helps. Enjoy!

Avid donut lover and nature enthusiast

Conversion to the Church and my Mission

I am a convert to the Church and joined when I was 19 years old. Many people ask me why the heck I would join the Church if I am gay, and the answer is, I didn't know yet! All I knew was I felt a strong connection to God for the first time through the Mormon church. I loved that its members believed and practiced what they preached and the strong moral values they upheld. And I truly, honestly felt the Spirit. When I read the Book of Mormon, attended sacrament meetings, prayed, or listened to lessons about the Church, my heart filled with a warm, wonderful feeling that told me God was there and in all of this. I desperately wanted to be baptized and become an official part of it all.

And so I was! I was baptized on August 1, 2010, and felt on top of the world. I was the only member of my family to join and the only Mormon at my university (both of which were difficult), but I absolutely loved being a member of the church. This propelled me to want to share it with others, so upon graduating from college I put in my mission papers and was called to serve in the Japan Nagoya Mission - aka the best mission in the world! I couldn't have loved it more or be more grateful for the experience I had. I learned about empathy, love, service, and faith, and came out a better person than when I went in.

More than donuts, I love Taylor Swift. Enough to celebrate her birthday by bringing treats for my office and wearing her shirt in a professional setting.

Finding out I am gay

One part of the mission that wasn't quite as great as eating sushi and teaching the wonderful Japanese people...I figured out I was gay. I fell in love with one of my companions actually. At the time, I believe I used the phrase, "I like girls," but no matter which way I said it, it turned my world upside down. I realized that the closeness I had with women and all the "best friends" I had growing up meant something more than I thought. Sometimes when we find things out about ourselves it feels like an enlightening moment, something that's bright and joyful. This moment was not like that. I spiraled into a dark hole where I felt unclean, unworthy, and just utterly hopeless. I had what I realize now was a minor panic attack. For a few weeks I was not able to shake the awful darkness inside of me and felt incapacitated as a missionary.

Thankfully, my mission president was incredibly understanding. I realize now how different the situation could have been if he reacted harshly, forced an emergency transfer, or told me I was unworthy. Instead, he remained calm and loving, helping me realize I hadn't done anything wrong, and showed his confidence that I could continue to go forward as great missionary. His love allowed me to finish my mission joyfully and place my sexuality on the backburner for a few months.

Post-Mission: Having to Deal with Everything

When I got home from my mission, things got really tough. Well, both tough and amazing. Post-mission is the time you really jump into dating and start to think more seriously about the next step in your Mormon life: marriage. I did start dating, but I started dating the mission companion I had fallen in love with. And when I say dating, I mean we were "dating" in every aspect of that word, but I refused to call it that. We couldn't be open to anyone about it, and I insisted we had to be open to dating men. Messed up, right? For the first time in my life, I was in LOVE! I was finally dating someone I had romantic feelings for and it was incredible. I finally understood why people liked to kiss and why people actually wanted to get married.

But I knew it had to end. Eventually at least. I couldn't even imagine straying from what the Church taught about eternal marriage. For months I felt so equally torn between my feelings of love for a woman who loved me back, and my feelings of immense guilt for doing something I'd been told God was against. Joining the Church against my parents' will was incredibly difficult, but it wasn't even close to the heartache I felt over this issue. I begged on my knees numerous times, tears streaming down my face, for God to help me - to make these feelings go away, to help me know what to do, or to tell me that it was all going to be ok. The feelings did not go away. But I did feel love from God. Not enough to wipe away the hurt or telling me that I would marry a man, but just enough to know it would be ok. That's what I hope other gay Mormons reading this can believe - clarity comes. Peace comes. It just takes time.

I ended things with my mission companion after about two years of a back-and-forth toxic relationship, mainly caused by me not being ok with dating a woman. At this point, I had graduated with my masters from BYU and was moving up to Salt Lake City to start a new job. I prayed to God telling Him that I was ready to get married and asked for His help in starting anew. I was going to date men and make this straight thing work!

While the tattoos are not real, I wish they were so I could be more like Steph (Go Warriors)

Am I even gay?

I think one thing many gay members continue to ask themselves (or did ask themselves at one point) is, "am I even gay?" We can all usually come up with a time when we found members of the opposite sex attractive. We may have even had a good heterosexual relationship in the past. So we must not be gay, right? I kept telling myself that surely if I kept an open mind and tried to date men that it would all work out. Sure, I only had minor crushes on boys in high school and college while having MANY head-over-heels feelings for female "friends," but maybe if I just kept trying it would somehow click. While bisexuality is a real thing and dating people of the opposite sex does bring fulfillment for some, I am indeed not bisexual. When I was so ready to date men and pursue "traditional" marriage, the first Sunday at my new ward in Salt Lake City (my FIRST Sunday!), I met a girl in the welcoming committee meeting who was also moving into the ward. This ended up being the girl I fell totally in love with and proceeded to date for the next two and a half years. When these feelings came, just as they had for my previous relationship and countless times before, I started to realize this might be a pattern for me. I was going to keep falling for women because I was romantically attracted to women, not men.

My Family

As I let myself be more open to the idea that I am probably gay, things just started falling into place. I didn't feel as crazy for not getting along romantically with men. I didn't feel as strange for wanting to wear pants more than I wanted to wear dresses. I didn't feel as different for having romantic thoughts towards women. I just felt so much more "me" than I ever had before. Being "gay" explained so much about my life! And because I had prayed so much and tried to keep God involved in it all, I thought maybe God could even be ok with it.

I want to add here how much I think my family helped me in feeling ok. And how helpful I think families can be in this process. My family is awesome. Joining the Church was difficult in a non-Mormon family, but coming out was definitely easier in a non-Mormon family. I knew that my family would love and support me, and they did just that. I find it incredibly sad that many youth in the Church do not think they can safely come to their parents with this information. I feel very lucky.

All parents take a moment to re-envision the future they had for their children after hearing big news (like a child being gay), and my parents were no different. However, they told me right away that they loved me and always would. They reassured me that they just wanted me to be happy and would support me in whatever my decision may be (with my mom's request that I still provide grandchildren). My siblings said the same thing. How awesome is that?? Their support allowed me to actually start accepting myself. Whenever we keep something secret from those we love and the people around us, we automatically think it's bad. That it's shameful. Coming out to my family allowed me to release some of that shame. And just BREATHE. Hiding is not fun, and I loved finally being able to be in the light. The more I came out, the happier I became.

My cute parents, cute nephew, and cute niece

What Do I Believe?

During my second relationship with a woman, things felt different. I was away from the pressure of BYU (and the inability to actually date a woman there), my family and friends now knew, and I had a wonderfully supportive and loving bishop. But what did I actually believe? Was I ok with seriously dating a woman? Are the prophets correct in their teachings about this? What does God think?

None of those answers came quickly, and I am honestly still sorting through things. However, two of the most helpful things for me were 1) therapy and 2) respecting agency enough to actually let myself explore and choose. In therapy, I completed a values exercise where I wrote down and pondered what things were important to me. I realized that, though the Church does help me with many, I could fulfill essentially all of these values outside of the Church. For the first time, I had separated the Church from God in my head, allowing me to breathe and see what God wanted for ME, just me.

I think I had been so afraid to even ask God the question if it was ok for me to be with a woman. I didn't think I actually had a choice. Agency doesn't really feel like a choice when you're told there is only one road you can take and only one answer you can get. So, after trying a failing system for so long that didn't bring me happiness and left a lot of shame (dating men/resisting dating women), I tried a different approach: actually dating women. Real relationships where you thought about a future and where you weren't trying to be on the lookout for some magical man to come along that you'd be attracted to. And in doing this, I realized I could still feel the Spirit and still be a good person. Even while dating women (gasp!). In my last relationship I was too scared to reach out to God, and I assumed I wasn't worthy to hear from Him. I was wrong!

Moving Forward

So what's next? I'm honestly, truly loving life! I love being true to myself, both my spirituality and my sexuality, and feel so much happier, confident, and hopeful. I've had people in both the LGBT community and the Mormon community tell me that I need to be less religious, more religious, or to do things in a certain way. I respectfully disagree with those people and have loved charting my own course with God. When you feel confident and comfortable with who you are and what you're doing, it doesn't really matter what other people say.

I do sometimes mourn the days when my faith was more pure and simple. More childlike. It was easier living in a world of black and white and having my whole life charted out for me. But sometimes things come up (e.g. being Mormon and gay) that force you into the grey area. You have to make hard decisions and evaluate things at a deeper level than just the surface. Even though it has been hard, I feel like I have a more mature faith now. I feel like I am kinder, more empathetic, less judgemental, and more optimistic.

I'm not sure exactly what will come of my relationship with and status in the Church. I still get upset with essentially every Elder Oaks' conference talk and feel like the Church continues to push gay members further and further away. It's hard to be gay in the Church! But I still love the community the Church builds and how it often motivates me to be a better person in love, charity, and faith. For now, I'd like to continue going, so that's what I will do. As far as dating goes, it's fun being gay! I guess I don't really know any other way, but I'm excited for what's to come. Hopefully a marriage, kids, and a happy life. Something I hope for everyone. 

P.S. Stay tuned for next week's post coming from my amazing, kind, talented friend, Ted! Also, feel free to contact me with any questions or thoughts. Thanks!